I invited pornography into my life when I was in 3rd grade. As a young boy I felt shame and guilt knowing that it wasn’t what God wanted for me. But I chose it anyway. It ate me alive and wreaked havoc on my life for almost twenty more years. For many years I tried fighting it off by myself and I never pursued true accountability.
It was on January 5th, 2016 that God freed me from that addiction.
To preface, this isn’t just a story of how I haven’t looked at porn since then. This is a story about learning how to walk in the full healing power of Jehovah Rapha.
“Anyone who accepts his testimony can affirm that God is true.” John 3:33 NLT
I didn’t steward the transition into freedom very well. As I began the journey I would hesitate with the accountability that came my way. I was terrified of letting people hear my story, even my family, because it was a part of my past for so long. I was ashamed of letting people see me raw and vulnerable so I hid behind that fear of rejection. The thoughts of those ugly sins kept me from walking in true freedom.
A few weeks ago, as I was sitting alone with the Lord, He reminded me that I am a son of God and as a son of God I carry no shame. Regardless of what may seem regretful and dirty I am washed clean by the Maker of the heavens and earth. In that moment He began to reveal the deeper issues that I’ve held onto for so long. I began to ask myself these questions:
1. What is the present emotional pain? – Shame about my past sins.
2. What is the original memory that surfaced with this pain? – The moment pornography was introduced to me.
3. What is the lie that was believed in this memory? – That I would be rejected because of my story.
4. What is the truth received from the Lord? – Walk in His advocacy (1 John 2:1), know that my story matters, and there is no condemnation, shame, or rejection from the loving Father.
As Racers we all received a key with a word that was prayerfully considered for each individual. These keys are meant to be passed on to the next person when you’ve experienced the significance of it. My word was “grow”. Obviously my whole life is going to be about growth but 2018 holds a promise to grow even more deeply in love with Jesus than I’ve ever dreamt possible.
As I now walk in full healing He’s given me I want nothing more than the men (women too but I’m calling out the men) of this world to experience true freedom in Christ. In a world of sexual immorality and promiscuity my prayer is that this blog would change even one person’s heart. This story is told with boldness and authenticity. God keeps growing me and I want the same for you.
“My dear children, I am not writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous. He himself is the sacrifice that atones for our sins, and not only our sins but the sins of all the world.” 1 John 2:1-2
With so much love,
Tim
