Well, I’ve officially been home for 2 weeks now, and it is good to be home. I’ve had lots of time to catch up with family and friends. I’ve also had plenty of oppurtunity to eat all the foods I’ve missed, drink lots of sweet tea and drive by myself. Even though I’ve been home for 2 weeks, the best word I can think of to describe it is still “weird”. So much has changed since I left, but there are times where it feels like I was never gone. Then there are times when I’m surrounded by the change that’s taken place and I begin to wonder if I am actually home or not.
I may end up eatting these words, but all in all the adjustment hasn’t been as hard as I thought it’d be. You hear all these horror stories of people going through major shock when they walk through Target and going through all these weird mixes of random emotions. But when I came home I knew I was home and I knew I was where God wanted me.
Something that’s truly dawned on me, especially today, is how much I’ve really glamorized home. The last 3 months of the race were the hardest for me, each one getting harder as the time for me to go home drew closer. And I realize now that I had made home, this mystical place where life would be better. Home was where everything that God had for me would be waiting for me and that the hardships of the race would be a thing of the past. Yes a necessary thing, but a thing of the past nonetheless.
I realized this today when I realized that I had 24/7 internet access with broadband speed, my wii to play whenever I wanted, my huge man cave all to myself, my good friends to talk to whenever I wanted, etc. But somehow I still manage to dwell on the fact that I’m unemployed, broke, have no cell phone, my friends are all busy while I sit at home, etc. And even though it’s great being home, home had disappointed me by not living up to the expectations that I’d set for it. Mostly because I had put such lofty expectations on an event or people in my life that were never meant to bear that kind of responsibility. And thats when the crushing truth hit me…the event of going home, my friends, my girlfriend, my things…they were all idols.
Whenever I had the chance to crack my Bible open or spend some time with Jesus. I preferred to see if watching youtube for 2 hours would fulfill my joy. Or instead maybe facebook stalk for an hour hoping someone would get online to chat with, but still no luck. I’ve lived for the past 11 months, with minimal distraction from my walk with Christ and it was the most joyful and fulfilling experience of my life. And now that I come home I see all these things as wonderful gifts from God, but none of them come close to giving me what He can, and its unfair for me to expect that of anyone or thing else.
We’re fickle people who are anxious to look at anything, but the situation that we’re in, to find joy and happiness. But I learned that because God brings us the most joy, and He is in all circumstances, that joy and fulfillment can be had anytime, anywhere and in any situation. Typically, I would say I had to learn this lesson the hard way. But it’s His kindness that leads us to repentance, and that is most definately the case here. God has blessed me in such abundance with several relationships upon my return and with the likely prospect of getting my old job back that I quit to go on this trip. God’s mercy and love for me is unbelievable.
And while my life may look very different now, then it did on the trip. My relationship with God is my constant. I had a lot of repenting to do tonight to God. It’s good to be home and I’m happy to be home. But at the end of the day, God didn’t change, and neither did my circumstances…just my heart.
