In contrast with the wealth of
blessings that God was providing for us this month, I went through a dark time
where it felt like God was pulling His hand away from me in order for
me to face some old demons. Through a series of events God opened
the floodgates of my heart that I had constructed to hold back years
and years of anger that I didn’t know how to handle in a healthy way.
So like any boy or young man I became very good at stuffing it away
and calling it a day. I became so good at it that I was completely
blind to the fact that it was there. So one morning after half my
team lays hands on me and prays for me, you can imagine my surprise
when I feel an anger surge through my body with an intensity that I
haven’t felt in years. So for about a week from that point, I felt
like I could relate with King Saul in a whole new light. I felt that
God was allowing me to be tormented. Only this wasn’t a spirit, it
was my own anger. I felt like I was constantly apologizing to my
team because the pettiest thing would be said and I would feel the
anger pulse through my body like hot pain. I was so angry it hurt.
After much prayer and soul searching it turned out that, to my
surprise, most of the anger I was feeling was towards myself. Quick
history lesson: I didn’t like myself as a child. I was picked on
heavily in school, and I’ll be the first to disagree with the old
“sticks and stones” saying. I’d rather get beat with a lead pipe
then get insults filled with anger, resentment and hatred hurled at
me or be the target of mockery. Because no matter how sure you are
that what they’re saying isn’t true. If you get told something
enough times by enough people, before you know it your going home
asking your mom if your gay. I ended up making a list of everything
I was angry at myself about, no matter how ridiculous it seemed. And
then I forgave myself, and felt confidence in who God created me to
be. And then as quickly as it came, my anger was gone. As painful
and dark as that time was for me, God was faithful. He spoke to me
and walked me through it. He also showed me a hard truth for anyone
to face. That truth is that Timothy Joe Dixon II is an angry,
bitter, selfish and proud man…without Christ. Any love, patience,
kindness or compassion that comes from me is a gift from God. It’s a
common belief that mankind is inherently good. No, you can tell that
they are not by looking at how screwed up the world is as a whole.
Secondly, because I felt God lift His hand from me and reveal to me
the condition of my heart. It was scary and painful. And after that
I will never again take credit for being good in my strength. You
might ask: what about all the non-christians? Is all the goodness in
them from God also? Yes, thats a gift from God also. Think for a
second how much more of a mess this world would be if God only poured
His goodness out through Christians. It’s all a gift. The greatest
gift of all is that despite who we are, God still loves us and wants
to be in relationship with us.
