Hi,
Sorry its been awhile since my last blog post. As this month has been crazy, here is an update on what has happened so far. When sharing this post with you, you will find that it is time to step out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable with you today. Vulnerability is not an easy task for me; just ask my friends and family! So often, my focus is on helping others, that I put up a wall around my emotions, tending to forget to be real with people. Or other times, just plain scared to show my emotions. One may say that I am afraid of what others will think or that it will be a burden to others. For years, my heart has built a wall around my feelings, hiding whom I am. This past month, God has started to change how I see life, and the true vulnerability. Also, he has been working on letting in others, including himself into my life. So here goes.
To start off, due to circumstances above my control, I have been out of work for awhile and don’t know when I will be back to work. It has been during this time, that struggles have been real, there have been many blessings, but hardships with extenuating circumstances. God gave me the time to go home and spend a week with my family. Sometimes the best thing is to be around the people that you love. During my time home, there was an opportunity to catch up with a good friend, who I have not seen in years. While catching up with her, she tells me of her recent engagement and will be married in May. Wahoo! Several of us got together and had a girl’s night in Omaha. We played games and laughed so hard! It’s amazing what laughter does for the soul. Then one spontaneous weekend, God opened the door to meet up with one of my best friends and his dog in OK. Also, I have had the wonderful opportunity to hang out with a friend from work.
During this time God has really given me a time for rest. From this past year, I was beyond the point of exhaustion; physically, mentally, and spiritually. Just worn down from the stress and the weight of the world on my shoulders that accumulated over the year. We all hit these points sometimes. Hey we are human.
Two weeks ago, reality hit home pretty hard. Having so much time to myself, my nerves reached a breaking point. Every emotion that I have been holding onto just came to the surface. My control was gone. I cried, screamed, and had multiple rough and direct conversations with God. Let me say these conversations with God were not the nicest! Though I asked God for forgiveness after the fit, I did not want people to see I am struggling. It’s embarrassing for me to cry in front of other people. So many thoughts running through my brain. Here is an example of a few feelings that were running through. “What I am doing?” “When and where is my next paycheck coming from to pay the approaching bills?” “What will I do for food?” One can only life so long on noodles. The effects of being alone, will I ever find a good man to raise a family with? Then as these thoughts went through, I would feel guilty because my situation is not as bad as others. God has reminded me that I am never alone.
Then add reality of fundraising, so far, $4,800 has been raised. It is a good start, but I am still $14,400 dollars short of my fundraising goal of $19,200. This adds to the already existing anxiety. My mind can’t wrap around how to raise this much, in 4 months. That’s a lot of money! To God that is nothing. Through this craziness though and surrender, God has really started to provide for His mission trip in June. One of the ways God has been providing has been when I go business to business, asking for a donation or a partnership. You talk about a way to humble yourself; ask a business about donating financially to your trip. Some of them have said no, others are so excited to help and look forward to see the way God is using their finances to spread the gospel around the world. Then to hear stories of people opening up and sharing how they came to this town, how they got their business started. God opened my heart to see more than I have seen before.
It has been during this break, that God has been providing these situations, so that I will lay everything down on the table and completely surrender to God. Matthew 16:24-28 “Then Jesus said to his disciples. If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man, if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angles, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done. I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his Kingdom.”
When we surrender everything that we are dealing with to God, he provides what we need in our heart and soul. God wants to build this relationship with us, but we allow the worldly items to block this wonderful relationship with him. For too long we try to place God in a box. It’s when we surrender to him, he opens our eyes to see what may seem impossible to us. It was the other day, that I realized that God was humbling me. He was taking away my pride, and my reliance of the trust in the world. He is completely stripping away my barriers so I can surrender to him. It is not easy to completely surrender yourself, trust me I am still struggling with this! Though throughout life, this will not be the only time, I will need to surrender to God, but it’s a step in the right direction.
As I leave you for today, if you need prayer or a word of encouragement, please comment down below or please feel free to email me at [email protected] and I would love to pray for you. Have a great day and no you are not alone in the struggles of this life.
