I’ve been staring at my computer screen for hours. My heart is in the pit of my stomach, and its running a marathon all by it’s lonesome. My emotions are all over the place, and I think I may be drowning. I have so much to say, but I don’t quite have the words. I keep sitting here asking myself, “Where do I begin?”
And then it hit me.
I don’t know how I feel. This isn’t due to a lack of self awareness, or a sense of numbness. This is due to the fact that I feel so many different emotions that my heart has become mush. It’s like when you use too many markers in one spot and all of the bright, wild colors you used become a big brown spot. I feel everything and I simply can’t sort it out. I feel excitement, joy, fear, angst, wonder, and nostalgia. I often find myself in some strange midst of tears, and internal screams, with a huge smile on my face. I laid in my floor this morning telling myself I was insane to think I could do this,
And then it hit me.
I wake up each morning to at least one text reminding me how many days I have left until my new life begins. This text is always followed with a “how do you feel?”. Truthfully, my answer is vague and there’s little to no thought behind it. Just a bland statement of excitement and anxiety. But only because I have no idea what to say, I can’t put my emotions into words. I woke up to a text such as this this morning,
And then it hit me.
I have six days until the world race. Six days left at home. Six days left to sleep cuddled up next to Toast (Toast is my best friend and confidant, he also happens to be a cat). Six days to annoy my mom, and watch my brother and sister be first graders. Six days left to eat whatever my heart desires. Six days left to be with my friends. Six days left to be Comfortable.
And then it hit me.
I don’t want to be comfortable. We’re not here to be comfortable. Earth is not our resting place, this life is not our home. This is temporary. If we’re comfortable, we’re not living and growing to our fullest potential. We are meant to test limits, exceed expectations, and change lives, even if the world around us isn’t changing.
And then it hit me.
When the World Race is over, I have to come home. (Oh, how I already wish this would last forever, but it won’t) When I come home, I will be new. I can already feel myself being broken down and built back up a million times stronger than before. After nine months, I’ll have seen the world, witnessed miracles, and changed countless lives, including my own. When I come home, I’ll be different, but home will be the same. I constantly find myself asking, “what’s next?”
And then it hit me.
This is a day by day process. It’s surreal, and every day has begun feeling like a dream. I’m saying goodbye to my friends, my family, my life. I’m saying goodbye to everything I’ve ever known. This is NEW. I can’t expect it to be easy, I can’t do it on my own, and I can’t expect for it to just come naturally. I have to keep myself together day by day, through constant prayer, and the support of my 42 brothers and sisters who are feeling JUST LIKE ME. I can’t focus on what life will be like when I get home. I can’t focus on the holidays I’ll miss (I’m sorry Thanksgiving, I’ll always love you. Save me some green bean casserole), I can’t focus on the fact that my friends lives are going to keep progressing and moving forward.
And then it hit me.
I have six days to learn to be Present. I have six days to love those around me. I have six days to pour everything I have into the family and friends that I’m leaving behind. I have six days until my life changes forever. I have six days until I become new all over again. I feel every emotion possible. And my head is spinning.
But it finally hit me, and I couldn’t be more ready.
