I’m sitting in my rather dark room, snuggled up in bed with a candle flickering on my nightstand. Though as peaceful as that picture seems, I have never felt more troubled. I am mad at God.
That’s right- I AM MAD AT GOD
He took my plans and ruined them. I was supposed to be in college still, pursuing my passion (pediatrics) of helping children. NOT risking everything from material items, relationships, and my dreams.
I’ve sold so many things that I genuinely wanted to keep- yard sale, after yard sale but where is the result?
I’ve fought and went against so many people (that I love dearly) who are trying to talk me out of going on the World Race and it’s exhausting. I’ve burned relationships that I thought I would have endlessly. I used to have people I could confide in, now I feel isolated. Why don’t I have the encouragement everyone else seems to have?
I’ve let go of my dreams to follow God- but where is that leading me? I like having a plan. Ever-since I was a little girl, I had a blueprint of how my life should turn out. The past five years of my existence have been fully devoted to my education in the pursuit of pediatrics- but now my plan is being trampled on by a God that I don’t see providing like He said He would.
Why am I giving up everything for what it seems to be nothing?
Why am I weeping, feeling disheartened and abandoned because I trusted God to take care of me?
Why can things never be easy when it comes me?
WHY?
Shaking my tightened fist at God and bellowing with a broken voice, I realize I am to blame.
My clinched fist turns into an outstretched hand hoping that God will reach out and save me from my emotional drowning.
In the hair-raising silence, His words cycle endlessly in my head:
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
-Matthew 11: 28-29
I am at fault. Instead of casting all of my fears, frustrations, and doubts to Him- I’ve been trying handle it all myself. I’ve let my pride get in the way and it resulted in misplaced anger.
No, I still don’t have all/any of the answers I desperately wish could be answered, but I do know that I am not alone. I know that God will provide for me, but only when HE sees fit. It’s my job to have faith and to persevere to reach the goal set before me.
Maybe I’m the only one who’s ever been mad at God. Maybe I’m the only one who questions why He does things differently than the way I think it should be. But if I’m not, and these words that have been poured out relate to you- will you please, please join me in this journey.
I have one week, one week to see God move a $1,200 mountain that is set before me.
I’m asking you to help by making a donation of any amount by the 15th of October.
Together, relying and obeying God- WE can move mountains.
May God bless you abundantly,
Tiffany
