My Temper Tantrum with God:
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Tears that Gave Birth to Dreams
The view on our walk to the kindergarten every morning
Tears flowing and body silently shaking, I lay on my small fold-out bed crying myself to sleep. Stifling the sound with my pillow, I desperately try to keep the other five girls in the room from hearing me sob. We have been in Albania for about two weeks and I have been fine, but we watched a simple romantic comedy that put me over the edge.
The small sofa on the left was my bed for month 6 in Albania.
God, I’m 28, and I’ll be 29 when I get off the race. You know I want to get married! I don’t feel any closer to getting married than when I was 21! What are You doing? Why is it that everyone around me can get married, but I can’t? Don’t you know the world is telling me I’m running out of time!?
With each question I pose to the Lord, I cry a little more, a little harder. By this time my entire face and pillow are soaked from the tears. After about 15 minutes of yelling at God in my head, I finally stop, calm down, and just breathe. Then, He asks me, “What if what I have for you is better than marriage and a family?”
Crickets…
I have no answer, or should I say, I have no good answer. I want marriage and family. Period. That has never been in the cards…not get married. What is that? So, if I want marriage that much, then I want it more than I want the Lord…red flag. That’s a problem. The next day I begin to process through some things and start putting the pieces together.
God used three moments on three different days to completely change my heart.
One – Rewind to two weeks earlier at the Albania debrief. Mary prays for me and tells me that she saw me sitting on a hill surrounded by dandelions. I pick one up and blow it. The seeds scatter everywhere. She says I look at them and say, “Well…there they go.” Ok, God had to have shown her that because this is true for my life and my desire for marriage. I have given it to the Lord, but I don’t really trust Him to do anything with it. I’m not even sure He cares about that desire of mine. Mary says to me, “God knows about all of your wishes and dreams and He has them in His hands.”
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Two – The day after my break down, I have a one on one with Heather. She lovingly challenges me with this statement, “I have noticed that you have a tendency to seek affirmation from guys and in that, you put them above the Lord.” At this, I start crying again. This is not something new that I have not heard before…in fact it is something really old. So old, that I thought I had taken care of it. I learned when I was 21 that I idolized guys and put them before the Lord. Why? Why do I keep struggling with the same thing?! Will I ever move past this?! Poor Heather is stuck with me crying (in the middle of the mall I might add). So…I’m emotional. Apparently my tears don’t really care about my location…and I digress.
Our local mall in Albania…we would occasionally take the bus here to get air conditioning!
Three – Fast forward to the Sunday after my temper tantrum conversation with the Lord. I am able to live stream a church service from my home church, The Bridge, for the first time since leaving for the race in January! I am so excited! Sitting outside in my favorite café, with the live stream pulled up, I order my favorite hot chocolate that is more like pudding than a drink, but it’s amazing! (You really should try it if you ever make it to Albania!) Then, the message starts. I start tearing up (again) when I realize Pastor Kevin (someone who is like another father figure to me) is teaching…AND the title of his message is, “Trusting God to Hold Your Treasures.” God is awesome and at this moment just too much for me as a few tears roll down my cheek. He asks us to write down the 5 things that are most valuable to us and to be honest about them, then take that list to the Lord. Needless to say, it is exactly what I need to hear. That afternoon, this is exactly what I do.
Lord, I know You are not first in my life, but I want to change that. Please work in my heart so that I choose You above all else, even marriage. At this, the Lord asks me another question, “Will you replace your dream of marriage with a dream of Me?”
What?! Mind blown. It never occurred to me that a dream of the Lord could be as exciting as the dream of marriage. Over the next few days, an internal shift takes place in my heart. Two days later the tables are turned and my answer to that question is drastically different.
Instead of thinking, “I’m 28 and running out of time! When am I going to get married?”, my thoughts are, “I’m 28 years old. I’m more than a third of the way to being with my Lord. Life is short. It is just a breath. I want to run the race He has set before me for the rest of my life; then ONE day, I will rest in HIS arms.”
He is my new Dream.
