Have you ever been weighted down by present circumstance and wondered why God put you there? When was the last time you cried out to God in shock, in fear,
in frustration.
“Why me?”
“Why have you given me this burden?”
“Why me? Why have you chosen me
for this crazy task?”
It’s in so many great movies, so many epic tails.
Moses.
Esther.
Frodo. Lord of the Rings— He’s a
pitiful hobbit at the beginning! It takes three whole movies/ over 11 hours to
get to the point, but Frodo gets there!
Harry Potter. Seven books. Eight movies. (If you didn’t read the books, shame on you, and spoiler alert…). He wins.
I know I read those stories, I watch those movies* and I already know the
ending. I know exactly “why them”. I scoff at the moments
early on when they ask, “Why me?”. I’m like DUHH, don’t be
ridiculous. Obviously we all know why you. Frodo turns out to not be so
pathetic. Harry is the “chosen one” who just happens to have spent his first eleven years under a staircase. Esther saved her people. Moses–are you kidding?
Where
is this coming from, Tiff? Where are you going this?
So, if you know me at all, then the
following is mere repetition to you–maybe some new insight. If you’re just
starting to follow me on this journey, then here’s a little catch up. I’m one
of those people who likes to lead,
who always has led, but who ironically is morbidly afraid of failure, and is
genuinely surprised when asked to lead. And always, after accepting said
leadership role, stands in utter paralysis for a good long time–expecting to
fail, expecting that everyone else expects me to fail.
Now, God. Thank God for Him. So. Almost
a year and a half ago, God took over the reins. And through my senior year of
college, I continued to have leadership roles in mentoring organizations, in my
sorority, in things that didn’t explicitly require me to lean on God. They were
roles I knew how to fulfill “on my own� because they were shoes I had always
filled. However, in the faith department that first year, I was led, and I was
happy with that. I had little confidence
in the depth of my faith because I was “new.� I spoke “baby Christian� over
myself time and time again.** So you can imagine to my surprise, shock, fear when
halfway through training camp, I’m being asked to lead. And not just lead. No.
Lead women–most of whom I had barely interacted with up to that point. It took a moment to process, but I stepped into it.
But now I’m home. And the reality is
I’m finding myself crying out to God. “Are
you sure?…Really sure? My entire team knows way better what your Word says.
Two of them are studying it for their education. And then there’s me. The one
who marvels at these amazing stories that my peers have known their whole
lives! They were bedtime stories from the Kiddy Bibles. And here I am, age 22,
and the names and the lessons are brand-spanking new each time I open my Bible.
They’ve all known you SO MUCH longer than I have. How can I lead them to a
deeper understanding of who YOU are? Really, God? Really. Are you still sure?�
And I know that probably most of us
feel that self doubt creep in. And I realize again, I am expecting to fail.
And then once the doubt passes, it’s
followed by the, “Oh crap, why me? �
And then I go back to Moses–who not only had Aaron, but had been called by God. To
Esther–who not only had her wise cousin Mordecai, but had been called by God. To Frodo–who had his whole fellowship deal, but ultimately had to destroy the ring himself. To HP–who had Ron, and clever Hermione, and wise/ brilliant/ amazing Dumbledore, but ultimately had to destroy Voldemort himself. They all felt what I
am feeling. And yet, look at their endings. When they stood where I stand now,
they didn’t know how they would triumph. And if they hadn’t stepped up to the
plate, the stories all would’ve ended a lot different. In the Bible stories,
these figures didn’t have their own strength. They triumphed because they knew that alone they would fail. Only
through God would the outcome be favorable. God chose people who were
absolutely incapable on their own, people who needed Him to take over.
And that’s what is keeping me
walking forward into this, despite all the mumbling lies stirring in the back
of my head. Alone–this leadership role is petrifying and way out of my comfort zone***. But I’m guessing that’s why I’m here,
why I’m being called to lead in this season. Because I am going to absolutely
need God to remain the center. If I blink, if I look away from Him for one
second, if I try to lead out of my own strength, this won’t work. I said I wanted
this year to be about God becoming my all, for this year to be a time when
every worship song I sing becomes a truth and a reality in my life.
Alone I can’t–but God can. And He
will.
In exactly one year, my race will be
over. I will be sitting at my final debrief. And I will know with certainty how
this chapter ends. But right now, I walk forward knowing God gave me stories
like Moses, like Esther to promise me that this chapter will end well if I look
to Him as my only strength, my only answer, my joy, my everything.
And so we begin.
Be on the lookout for part 2****: “A
New Coat.�
*I never read the HP books. Cat’s out of the bag… Thank you wikipedia for giving me all the answers I needed. (oh and Lost fans, may I recommend Lostpedia.com to answer any lingering questions). Along those same lines, I’ve never seen the first LOTR (or watched Lost, season 6). Oops. Such gappage.
**As I wrote this, my roommate Melly
wrote the following on my wall:
“Don’t let anyone look down on
you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in
conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” Timothy 4:12… It’s amazing how
God uses everyone and everything to remind us of Him in our doubt, worries,
fears. Yeah, He’s bigger. He’s got my back.
***Ironically, under my picture on
Facebook, my little “about me� reads: Life
begins at the edge of your comfort zone. In other words, I spoke the
challenge over myself.
****How many part 1’s have I started
and not given you a part 2? I figure if I write the title of the next post,
then it is a sure fire thing. Plus, I am only splitting these up because I am
notorious for writing really long posts. Part two will be here tomorrow. I
promise. Because I am writing it right now.
*****No, you did not miss where I
indicated “*****�, so don’t go looking for it above. It’s like a PPPPPS. This hurt my pride to write. It came from one
of those dark, mean, ugly monsters that manifests itself in my life in the
forms of super over self confidence. But we’re all broken, and in order to
become the royalty God has destined us to be, we have to deal with those things
that keep us from fulfilling His destiny in our lives. Who likes admitting
their weaknesses and fears? But I am constantly asking God to break those and
to come through, to refine me. I need to give Him the opportunity to do so, and
it looks like He is saying “The time is now.�
