This blog is
basically a recounted journey into a prayer request.
We’re five months
into the race, so I would say I have had at least twenty-maybe way more- people
prophecy over me. While the
majority of the words God has spoken over me through different people have been
all over the board, there is one recurring theme: Rest. It’s a word that I
still seem incapable of wrapping my mind around. Last month on the farm in
Honduras, I was well on my way to letting most all of the moments of my day be Spirit-led…
A lot of time was spent with me doing nothing, and I began to hear and feel
God’s voice moving in every inch of my being.
Now this was
incredible because this was one of the main reasons I came on the race: I want
to know God’s voice inside and out as He speaks to me throughout the day, so I
can follow effortlessly into every blessing He has for my life. I was mega
excited and hungry and CALM by the end of my time on the farm.
(Fast forward three
weeks.)
Life in El Salvador
has been the antithesis of last month. For ministry this month I have: led
youth services, evangelized in parks and prisons, shared my testimony in
numerous church services and alcohol rehabilitation meetings and schools,
played countless games and told countless Bible stories with countless kids,
preached in Spanish, journeyed through several impoverished neighborhoods,
prayed for the homeless, translated testimonies and conversations, and even
spoken on national radio.
During downtime, our
two teams worship together, eat together, run around the city together. At any
given point someone of the nineteen people is awake in this house, so to say
silence has been hard to find is a drastic understatement.
As this month has
gone on, my stress level has jumped, my bad moods have become more frequent,
and I have been completely unable to sit still for more than a handful of
minutes at a time.
Are all of these
correlated? Absolutely. The less I rest, the less I listen to His gentle voice.
The more time I spent in constant motion, the more I lead through my own will,
the more I am unable to lead effectively.
My greatest strengths
in the past- my perseverance and non-stop energy- have hindered the single most
important thing in my life. (I’m not saying that you cannot be the world’s
busiest person and not hear the Lord’s voice, but for me, the busyness
distracts me until His voice is indistinguishable).
I sat down to write
today and literally found I had nothing to say. I sat staring at the screen
asking for Him to write something. The first thing that came out of my
fingertips? “Slow Down�.
I think most people
would be STOKED for God to tell them to take some time to rest, but again you
have to understand that for me it’s a death sentence of my flesh. I have to
kill my pride that genuinely believes that I can do everything myself. It takes an internal battle for me to
finally lay down other people, lay down perceived responsibilities, and even
ministry at times to fight for stillness and solitude.
As a team leader we
are told that we need to
occasionally take extra days off-especially during the busy months- in order to
regroup, to regather, to fight for ourselves, and then for our teams.
It’s month five, and
I have only successfully taken one full day to be obedient in listening to the
Lord’s voice (I was also vomiting this particular day).
How many of us are
like that though? I have had “rest� spoken over me since day one of the race,
and yet I am so disobedient in listening to it. I guess I will continue to
receive this same word until I finally commit to listening to the lesson.
I know the Lord is
teaching me this now because if the race were over now, I would probably take
about ten minutes to genuinely process these past five months. More than
likely, I would already have planned the next step in life. I would leave no
time for Him to come in and speak through the pains I have experienced this
year; there would be no mourning the loss of community either.
…which is why I still
have six months left to keep learning. Yes, life is an unending journey of
lessons, so there will always be more grace and time to learn later, but why
not now?
So. Sitting from
wherever you are, please pray that I am burdened to sit still, to listen, to
rest, to sleep without guilt.
This “rest� lesson is
probably going to be an on-going lesson, but I want to commit to learning it
now. I want to come home and be content if the Lord asks me to sit and process
everything He has shown me throughout 2011. I want to be so obedient to His
will that my own pride of being success-driven will not overpower blessings He
has placed before me.
