It’s pretty common knowledge that the World Race isn’t just about going forth into the nations to share the love of Jesus Christ, even though that minor detail is fairly integral to the whole process. Being the emotional wreck that I was after a week at training camp, I felt as though I needed some sort of heart insurance, in case catastrophe or sudden death happened again. Stepping into this new life as a card-carrying full time “Missionary” has taught me that Daddy is never done refining us. He is never done teaching. He is never done affirming our identities. Yes, we will always screw up, but that doesn’t make us screw-ups. Little did you know, missionaries also use the occasional expletive out of frustration, they covet hot showers and, yes, sometimes I do want a glass of red. How was I to know that I would be sent away in order for His redeeming love to touch not only the nations, but, simply, me?
As I meditate over the past four months, and await for the impending fifth month in Swaziland, I stop and ask myself where I rest in this spiritual rollercoaster. If you’ll allow a small confession – the largest struggle I’ve been walking through is feeling inadequate and unworthy. Am I strong enough? Bright enough? Joyful enough? Prayerful enough? Pretty enough? Good enough? Steadfast enough? Kind enough? Patient enough? Am I adequate? Am I a woman worthy of love? Am I a woman worthy of pursuit? Am I a woman worthy of trust? Of friendship?
We all struggle with worth. Most of us are afraid of approaching the throne of God because we don’t feel deserving of His love or His attention. Maybe we were told by our parents at a young age that we were only worth how many blows they could inflict upon our bodies before people asked questions. Maybe we were told that we were only worth the A’s on our report cards, or the income bracket we fall in, or how well we can please our lovers. Maybe you were told that you were only worth what your body could give.
And then we all grow up to be dysfunctional, confused, and hurting adults – afraid of healthy relationships, afraid of dreaming, or . . . really discovering their true value.
So allow me to speak in a language more familiar to most of us: the all-too-reliable language of Capitalism. Imagine yourself walking around the aisles of a grocery store. You happen upon a box of Cheez-its (Humor me. I’m really craving Cheez-its right now). You have an approximate figure of what this box of really delicious Sodium blasters should cost. You then look at the price and wonder if the worth and the price matches up. If it doesn’t match up, you stand in the aisle vacillating between the store brand of “Cheese Squares” or the Cheez-its that you grip in your left hand. Now you’re in a contemporary art museum. You’re standing before a linear and primary colored Mondrian. In your head, you’re thinking, “This carries about as much worth as a suppressed fart during a heart-to-heart discussion with an attractive celebrity.” You look up the price online. Turns out, it’s worth more than Mother Theresa’s cremated remains.
Now imagine you’re standing before a mirror staring at your reflection. You ask yourself, “How much am I really worth, and what is my price?” Do you realize that God, the Almighty Creator of the Universe and Beyond is the only One capable of estimating and defining your worth? Ready for my epiphany? He is the only One who is able to grant you WORTH because He paid a PRICE for you. He purchased you with the blood of Christ, because He was the only One who could really afford you.
