Soooooo first day and a half of Training Camp are over and I’m pretty sure I haven’t sweat, or cried like this in a long time. The good sweat. The good tears. Yknow what I mean. ?
I’ve gotten to meet nearly three quarters of my team and have experienced more healing in these two days than I have in probably my entire life. The Lord has definitely been preparing me for this moment. Remember Heart Camp? Yeah. Still happening. ?
All day yesterday, I sat in the presence of the Father and was kind of metaphorically staring at him to see what he would do. For some reason though, I felt like I was behind a glass wall, not being able to hear, but seeing him fumbling on the other side through things. And then he gave me a picture of my heart except my heart was a door. And the door was locked. In my confusion, he simply said, “Your heart was not intended to be a locked door.” ?
The rest of the night and into this morning I kept hearing messages of “abandon” and “You cannot fill a full cup,” and “What are you passionate about in your false self that you could really care less about,” and “Sho are you really?” in other words, there was something I needed to let go, and part of that was my identity, but I wasn’t exactly sure what that other thing was.
(Side note: Y’know when you get reeeeally mad over something insignificant because of something significant you’ve ignored in your heart? Well that happened next.) Entering into worship, as the worship leader told us to just be thankful and start thanking the Father, I got really angry. Earlier in the day I lost my water bottle, and for some reason, that was the thing that set me off (like, really, Tipp? Yeah. Really.)
Anywhoooo. I got into this place of thankfulness, and a presence of connection and all I could mutter out of my mouth was, “Stop taking everything from me.” And I froze. Like. This wasn’t about a water bottle anymore. This was real. This was painful. This was not who my Father is. But I couldn’t stop. I felt myself pounding my fists against the metaphorical chest of God, and I could feel him just letting me. And when I was finished he just said, “I have given you everything you’ve ever had. I have given you everything you have.”
And I just wept. And then I decided to let it go. Whatever it was that I felt he’d taken from me. Whatever it was that I felt had been denied. And then we sang a song that reminded me of the old Jim Elliot quote that says, “He is no fool who cannot keep that which he cannot lose.”
Also. I literally don’t know who I am. (I know, I’m a daughter of the most high, but how that works practically, and walking through leaving the charades, I’m not entirely sure yet.) And that’s okay. It’s exciting. It’s new. It’s only day 2.
I’ve laughed and danced tonight in His presence like I haven’t in a while, and that has made me radically expectant.
Can’t wait to be home to tell you more.
-T
PS. I still need $3,500 (probably a little more, as TC has set me back some) Click the link about to give! And thank you thank you thank you for this year. It’s a gift. And I wouldn’t be here without the support of my loving community back home.
