If at any point in time up until today, someone would have asked me to describe myself I would have said something like, “A mess,” “A storm,” “Passionate,” or “Everywhere all at once.” I have lived my life at the mercy of my emotions, which I falsely named “heart.”
“But I’m not stea-“
“Steady.” It was repeated with the kind of tone that requires no punctuation to be understood as final. He said it. It was so.
“I’m steadfast,” I said to my squad, up on the ledge, laughing in my head with the image of my family back home who have known me to be anything but “steady.”
And I left it at that. When I recounted Training Camp to people, I left that part out. I’d spent most of Training Camp in tears—in typical Tiffany fashion—and told the story to half the people who asked me with “I Cried The First Four Days,” as the headline, hoping they’d pray for me or laugh with me or both. I told the rest of the people (y’know, the ones who really cared about the deep stuff) about forgiveness and how the Father told me my love was not too much and my heart was not what I thought it was. I told them about the stuff that sounds transformative, not the “in-process” stuff that I really had a hard time believing. I told no one that the Lord had called me “steady.” Who was I kidding? People had called me a storm probably longer than I had, myself. “You cried everyday until you were five years old,” my mom would say. “Oh that’s just Tiff,” said the others. Not as a slight against my character, but honestly because that’s who I have been.
Steady. I swear it poured itself a cup of coffee and planted itself in my mind, right at the table. Through shopping and manic moods during packing: Steady. When saying goodbye to family and friends more than once and crying when it seemed like some were more important, more final than others: Steady. When things in my team weren’t going like I thought they would: Steady. It poured itself another cup. The word followed me when I couldn’t hear it anymore and when it carried a megaphone. When things back home meant missing opportunities to “show up” and love deeply and offer my share in grief, it changed clothes and deepened it’s voice and said, “I’m not worried.”
For the first time in my life, the people around me have started describing me as steady. These were the same people, mind you, who I just met and have also witnessed me crying, and shutting down, and writing strongly worded emails that I normally would have sent, but this time didn’t.
I’m steady. And still learning to be steady. I’m not worried about the next country, or the next school or college major or about the people back home who rely on me. I trust in the words of the Holy Spirit when he says, “Its okay,” or “Stay,” or, “Wait.” Have I done it perfectly? No. But He’s kind and speaks to me gently when I whine.
I get to be steady because He has so much more in store for me than worry, ache or panic.
Today, I asked Him for a new word and waiting with an answer, “Adventure,” leaped from His mouth—as if I should have known all along. The Lord likes to be sassy with me. He keeps telling me I’m going to have so many stories to tell about Him. He keeps saying that He has so many things to show me running around with life—like daisies in His hands held by a teenager in love—pulling me nearly skipping, into this thing He’s now calling adventure.
I hope my “Yes,” will turn into many more yeses. I hope Steadiness in years to come will throw parties and dance and wear hand-me-downs that say “Even When.” I hope this life I’m living now, for the next fifty/sixty years will be an adventure.
It is my deepest hope that this adventure the Lord has called me on, as it is written down for Him to read back to me, will look a lot more like, “Our Adventure” than my own. I hope He belly laughs with tears in His eyes as He welcomes me home. I hope I’ll have a long line behind me.
If you have been a part of this journey, this far, and wish to support me, I need a little over $2,000 to meet my December 31st deadline which will be my last and will keep me on the Race! Thank you so much for supporting me! I’d love it if you would comment or message me while I’m away! This is your journey too. -Tipp
