Over debrief I struggled to feel God’s presence, and being the dramatic woman I am I freaked. I craved The Lord so bad I didn’t pay attention to the times he was actually speaking to me. Everyone was talking about all the ways they felt God at the beach and how they were at such peace. I personally do not have peace at the beach and had to ask Jesus to give me a heart for all the sand in places sand shouldn’t be and for the waves almost giving me a concussion as they smacked against my body. He eventually did, I stopped whining and would go and sit and just look out at the water.
The ocean has always made me nervous. It is big, deep and there is so much unknown about what is in it, but even still it is beautiful. Soon God reminded me of how much the ocean is like Him. He is big, beautiful and if you don’t just jump in you’ll never know what he has to offer you.
One day I was sitting just looking at God’s creation when I got this vision of me on the beach, and instead of being stiff and bitter about being in the itchy sand, I was running, spinning and dancing as I was running for the water. I was happy and it was beautiful. God said to me in this moment “This could be you, free, happy and running straight to me.” Everything in me wanted to get up and just sprint to that big scary thing, but I didn’t. That night our squad had a talk, our leaders begin to pray over us asking who wanted more of The Lord. I was on my face crying out “Lord use me.” Nothing, I felt absolutely nothing.
Later that night one of my leaders came to me and said, “I feel like you have some things to let go of, just be free.” This is not the first time this has been said to me and each time I get this word I take it to God asking, begging Him to reveal what I need to let go of and each time I get nothing back. This time I looked at her and said, “i have gotten this word so many times and each time I try to find something to be free of I get absolutely nothing. Please just tell me what I need to be freed of!” She began to pray then almost instantly looked up and said,”doubt, come on were praying it away.” As she prayed over me God began to reveal anytime over the past 3 months I have doubted Him, His truth or encouragement that was spoken over me.
The next night we had worship and my vision of me just continued to replay in my head, soon we moved out to the beach to worship, I told two of my team mates about what I was feeling and how I wanted so badly to run into the water and just be free of doubts. Instantly one of my teammates kicked off her shoes, grabbed my hands and pulled me in the water. We spun, danced and splashed in the water and just laughed because we knew how absolutely crazy we looked to the rest of our squad that had stayed on the beach a little later, but we honestly didn’t mind. We were free.
I am so happy to be back at my ministry with my ladies, I have felt God speak to me and show me himself more in the past three days than the whole 5 day at the beach. I love it here and everyday I am reminded to stop look around at the people I am with and praise God because I honestly love who I am with, what were doing and where I am. I did have a good time at the beach, I even tried to surf!! It was a fail, but I loved it.
keep choosing joy,
T
