Journal entry from 5-21-12 (day 2 of training camp)
Yesterday, God was impressing on me an image of himself as a lover- as my lover. He showed me that there is no role he cannot fulfill. He is everything that a lover is- comforter, strength, protection, and so much more. Psalm 46:1 says, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble." Today, Ron spoke on grieving periods of our lives. I asked God to release this inside of me. He allowed me to grieve my loss of innocence.
I was pressured to have sex. From that point on, I sought this intimacy in other places. Sometimes I sought it in men. For a time, I sought it in things I could find on the internet. In college, there was a time that I attended counseling once a week in order to redefine my view of intimacy. Today, God distinctly showed me that he fulfills that part of my life also.
Toward the end, Lauren came to me and said that she sensed that I had been deeply wounded. She told me to let go of that and allow people to love me again; she said that her greatest regret on her trip was that she didn't give her team a chance.
I'm not going to do that. I have been given an amazing team- Team Raised to Life or R2L. I will let them love me. I will let the people I meet love me. I will be vulnerable and in that vulnerability experience even greater love. I am not saying this will be easy; but I do know that it is best.
