So I've been putting off posting this blog that I believe God wants me to post. I have been struggling with feelings of being unworthy. Of not being good enough to serve God in this way. The Bible tells us that when we are faithful with little we will be trusted with much. I fear people finding out how unfaithful I have been. I fear what my supporters will say and I fear what my friends will say and I fear what my teammates will say. As a result, God asked me to post those things that I fear people knowing.
Here goes nothin'. I am rebellious. I've said 'yes' too many times that I should have said 'no'. I have entered into and stayed in relationships not centered around God. I was sexually involved in 2 of those relationships. My poor decisions gave me an STD. While I've never done a drug, I've watched my friends do blow, pills, and other drugs. I've watched others abuse their bodies beyond recognition. I've stood by while my friends drank themselves into an oblivion. I've been fired from a job for insubordination. It's easier for me to find trouble than to follow the Bible. I've broken several laws. I flirt too much. I watch and enjoy movies counter to the life I confess. My heart is deceitful above all things. I know more about alcohol than probably any other subject. I'm incredibly vain with a proud heart. I'm really good at being a screw-up.
But this blog doesn't end with confession. I've been struggling a lot with being worthy. The truth is… I'm not worthy. And I think that's the point. I know that none are worthy. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). I was an enemy of Christ. But while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. It is only by his grace that I now am able to stand before a righteous God. There is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). How silly of me to think that God has led me here because I earned it. Psalm 14:3 says, "There is no one who does good, not even one." I am by nature a child of wrath (Ephesians 2:3). Because of sin, we are separated from God. Only the price paid by Jesus' death on the cross can reconcile us to God. He chose me when I was dead in my trespasses and sin (Ephesians 2:5). It is through his death that I have been freed from the law (Romans 7:4) and, therefore, the penalty of breaking that law.
I am not worthy and God knows it. He knit me together in my mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). He knows every wrong move that I have made. Romans 7:18 says, "for I have the desire to do what is right but not the ability to carry it out." "We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin" (Romans 6:6).
So I am not worthy. But I have found victory in the death and resurrection of Jesus. For, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me."
