Here I am, and the only thing I can keep thinking over and over is WHY? Why God? Why not? Why can’t you just give me a teeny tiny little confirmation? Why can’t I feel right about this? Am I being too scared? Am I a huge chicken? I tried to be so open minded, to listen for You, to be willing to go. My heart is BROKEN, I am DEVASTATED. I was looking forward to this so much.
Oh God, I wanted to grow. I was terrified. But I wanted to learn, to change, to grow, to SEE you, working in other countries, in other peoples, outside of my own little world. WHY would I make it this far only to not go??? I’m hurting so bad.
All week everyone seemed to feel that this was where they should be. and instead I just felt off. And I felt like I was told to wait. Wait on what is RIGHT, and REAL and from the Lord. And every time I tried to pray all I would get is “you have your answer’. WHY??????
Why does everyone else seem to have so much support from their families and mine is dead set that I shouldn’t go? How come I am 30 years old and can’t make a decision without their support?
The thing is, I WAS willing to go anyways. Until after training camp. But unless God makes it ok, and tells me its ok, and confirms that it is where I should be, I can’t do it. I didn’t need much! I just wanted a little bit of encouragement, to feel that I was in the right place! My whole life I have prayed for answers, and then did whatever it was I wanted to do. Oh I am trying to learn to surrender, but it is not easy. Not when I felt that this was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. ” There’s other mission trips” people say. NOT THIS! There is NOTHING else to compare to a trip like this.
I feel like I will never get over this. I am grieving. This is NOT what I wanted. I do NOT get it.
God help me surrender it
