As I launched into my new relationship with Jesus, I realized that I had never actually grasped the idea of not being in control of everything in my life. I was constantly stressed about my grades, my relationships with my friends, and my unknown future. As I was demanding power to control my life around me, the Lord had very different plans. On January 30th, 2014 my niece Hazel was born, a little less than six months later she and her older half-sister Isabella were taken out of their home in an emergency removal and placed in my family’s home by CPS. At the time Isabella was a few months short of 4 years old, and Hazel a little less than 6 months. These two precious girls changed my whole world.
Being that we were relatives of the girls we were not able to get any financial help for fostering them. Both of my parents already worked full-time jobs and now had two more mouths to feed, therefore neither of them were able to take extra time off of work. So that left me to help care for these kids. I became a mother figure to these girls when I was only 16. After seeing the lack of love that they received in their parents’ home, I felt somewhat responsible to give the 2 little girls as much love and attention as possible while they lived in my home and I gathered that I wasn’t going to be able to provide all of that love on my own. I started to lean on the Lord for strength and advice and I grew stronger in my relationship with Him than ever. I began to understand somewhat of God’s love for us. At this point in my life, I was sure that this, raising these girls and helping them grow up to know the Lord, was my purpose. I was sure that this is what I was made for. These girls were what God had planned for me all along.
Hazel and Isabella lived with us for a little over a year. Due to some unfairness, lies, and complications, they were reunited with their mother and placed back in their parents’ home. Their mother is resentful toward my family and as of the day the girls were placed back with her, she has denied us any contact with them whatsoever.
This completely broke me. No one could understand what I was going through. No one my age could grasp the feeling of losing a child, make that 2, at our age. It was like they died, but almost worse because I knew they were living, somewhere wondering why we abandoned them. Wondering why we left them with a stranger (their mother). I knew that they were living but I still wasn’t able to hold them or assure them that things would be okay.
For a while, I was angry with God. Why did he take away what brought me the most joy? Why if he loved them or me would he bring everyone such emotional pain.
It took me a very long time to be able to let go of my anger and know that He is in control and that His plan is so much bigger and better than anything I could imagine. I had to learn to trust that he was going to take care of them better than I ever could. I know that he is holding my two girls in his arms always, and I know that God willing that I will be able to see them again one day.
I still struggle everyday with the grief of losing them, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to completely overcome it, but I know that without this trial in my life I would not be the person that I am today and my relationship with God wouldn’t be near as strong.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
I added some pictures of Hazel and Bella below (Isabella is the older one, Hazel is the baby)
