During training camp we were told by one of the staff members that the point of the WR is NOT to gain a greater appreciation of where we come from and all the things we have. This is often the case when people go on short term mission trips or when many of our younger generation leave the States to see other parts of the world. My reasons for coming on this trip varied over the months leading up to our departure. Casey and I both felt our spiritual lives had grown stagnant. I very much wanted to experience God in ways I never had. I knew I needed to be a part of something challenging to push me into uncomfortable situations and thus look more to God. I didn’t really know what would be challenging about the WR, but I felt like it was something we had to do. I wasn’t afraid of going to different places, living in a tent, carrying a backpack all over the place, eating strange foods. Being in an almost constant state of transition is something I’ve been in for the last 10 years. Living with 50 people I didn’t really know and being with them 24/7 didn’t really look like much of a challenge either. Honestly before the race, what I saw as the biggest challenge was being part of marriage and with Casey 24/7 while trying to give God 100% and make Him my priority. It’s not that Casey tries to take precedence over God and its not that I didn’t think I could put God first. Up to this point, my marriage with Casey had only been a little over a year and we rarely had more than one full day a month together. I saw her for a few minutes in the morning, then got maybe a couple hours with her in the evening before we both called it a night. She worked at Compassion International full time and I went to school full time and worked two jobs, one of which was the military. So the prospect of being with her so much was a little intimidating. It definitely has been a challenge at times to balance time with my wife and being part of our ministry. It’s been a challenge working through our marriage with our teams always present and living with us.
To me the biggest challenge of the race is dying to self. I came on this trip with the mindset that this is a time to serve. Like I said, I wanted to grow in my relationship with God, but that was not my priority. Hopefully that relationship would prosper the more I devoted myself to the Lord. I did not want this trip to be about me, I still don’t. I want this to be all about God and what God can do through me to further his Kingdom. Yes I want to be closer to my creator. But I want to be his instrument, one that he can use to hopefully do great things that bring glory to Him. But I can’t deny what the Lord has done in my life over the course of the past 6 months. I’m starting to see that for most of my life I’ve relied on my own abilities to get by. I’ve always claimed to be a servant of God, but how can you truly serve someone else when you only really do what you want and what you think is best? If you’re not constantly looking to the Lord for guidance and direction, how can you really trust your own discernment? Yes, your flesh can take you a long ways. You really can do some big things relying only on yourself and your own abilities. Over time though, that flesh will tire and fail. God has definitely shown me that I am a stubborn and at times very prideful man. I very much like to have my way, and think I’m usually right. This belief had come over time based on the fact that I’ve thought everything I did or became was up to me. I prayed sometimes when I really needed something or was scared. Otherwise I just did what I thought was best and hoped everything would come out alright in the end. God has used to past 6 months to show me how little control I truly have. He has shown me, that submitting to his will in all things is truly the best way to serve. I can’t do it on my own, I won’t be a good husband, a good worker and servant if I don’t look to God for wisdom in all things. I’m definitely not saying that this realization has flipped a switch in my and suddenly I’m no longer prideful, or completely submissive to the will of God. I’m working on it though.
Best example I can give you for dying to self and submitting to God right now has to do with whether or not we will be staying on the race for the duration or have to go home early. You see as of November 26th we are $4860 short of the total we need to be fully funded. We have until December 15th to have all of that money in our account or promised to us, or we will have to go home early. Now I did not sign up for this trip thinking it would only be a 7 month experience. I made a commitment dammit! God told me that I was supposed to do this and you can be damn sure I have every intention of seeing it through! I do not back out on commitments. God called me to this, so I’m in for the long haul! This is the first thought I have when I think about the prospect of going home. I don’t want to go home before April 30th. I want to be apart of every ministry between now and then. I want, I think, I did this, I made that……not a very humble, servant like attitude. Doesn’t exactly scream submitting to the will of God. I want so much to believe that I finally understood a calling that God placed on my heart. To believe that I truly saw his will for me and that I did it! What if God didn’t call me to complete the whole 11 months? What if God’s plan for me was only possible if Casey and I participated in the WR up until December? What if there’s about a billion other possibilities that God has in mind that I could never consider, because I’m just a flesh and blood man? Kinda reminds ya that we’re all just small finite beings in comparison to our unlimited God doesn’t it? It’s hard to give in to God’s will when it doesn’t line up with our own. It can suck at times. God has such better things in store for us, then what I own minds comprehend. He can see how the entire world plays out, not just our own limited view of the small world that consists of only our individual lives. His plan is so much grander than anything I can conceive of. So why not have a little faith and trust in the Almighty? God is totally capable of providing the $4860 in 3 weeks to keep us on the WR. If that’s his will for us, he will do so. If not, if we are to go home early, than He must have a pretty darn good reason for that too. I guess getting that idea through my head is a decent start in understanding what it means to die to myself and my desires.
