Reflection

I’ve tried for months to write this blog.  I’ve watched the cursor blink on the empty word document, trying to come up with the words to tell this story. My story. A way too personal, raw, real, story of a journey within a journey. 

For 9 months I lived in places that didn’t have mirrors. The only mirror was the one inside my makeup compact. God took away my ability to see myself through my own eyes. Every once in a while we’d spend a night or two at a hotel where we’d see an actual reflection and God would allow me a glimpse of the transformation that was occurring. 

I never really knew I had this problem. I was always pretty self confident. I always thought of myself as beautiful and while I had a positive outlook towards myself, I still saw others as more….. whatever. More beautiful, more talented, more likely to have the desired boyfriend, more fun to be around… Comparison beneath the skin. 

I didn’t even know I was doing it, and I definitely had no idea how much it was affecting my relationships.

Month 5 debrief Michael Hindes talked with us about breaking out of prisons. Mine? Spirit of Comparison. Who was I comparing myself to – one of the people I am closest to on the Race. Talk about crazy.

One late night in Kenya, sitting in the kitchen pantry (only private spot we could find in a house with 12 people!) two of my teammates asked me questions that forced me to do some deep soul searching. 4 months of soul searching to be exact. 

That night in Kenya God spoke to me in a dream. He showed me people from high school and said to me, “how you see yourself has affected the relationships you’ve had with others.” 

2 weeks later and I’m in a van with my team headed to a hostel in Nairobi for a few days. As African flat lands and far distant mountains romance my eyes, my heart is praying about why I keep thinking back to Thailand bar ministry. I think these insecurities were always there deep down, Thailand just brought them out. Why God? Because you ministered to men your age that month. And you had this feeling of competing with the woman around you. Feeling like you had to compete with what you were offering them verses what they were seeing in front of them in the moment. 

Woah, okay God. 

Days go by and all I can do is pray. God break me of this spirit of comparison.

Month 8: Nepal.  One night we’re talking about relationships and someone says something to me to which I respond, “Actually, I’ve never had a boyfriend.”  And my next thought is, “because you’re not beautiful enough.”  I sat there shocked and filled with sadness that I could even think that about myself.

Month 9: India. 6 am runs everyday (I’m training for a half marathon!). We’ve got about a 1/2  mile left of the run and I think, “I need some motivation to keep running.”   “Keep running so you’ll lose weight and become beautiful.”    “No, I don’t need to lose weight. I’m already beautiful.”  I realize what’s just happened and I almost break into a joyful dance right there. Instead of reacting to a lie with sadness, I immediately reacted with truth. 

For so long I’d seen myself as beautiful, but always compared myself to other people. That I was beautiful but not beautiful enough. That I was funny but not funny enough. That I was whatever but not whatever enough. 

Month 10: Romania. Living in a house with a full length mirror. And I love the reflection.

What’s the one thing we do before leaving the house – check the mirror one more time. What if instead of asking ourselves “do I look good” we were asking God “how am I” before leaving. Before walking into the world we check ourselves in front of the Father.