When 11 months turns into 11 weeks I cant help but to begin panicking.
July 3rd 2013
Lying in by bed I feel the weight of the world beginning to press in around me. It’s half past 2 in the morning and I have still yet to find any sort of rest. Excitement, anxiousness, dread, so many feelings are rushing through me and I can’t seem to formulate a clear thought to explain the emotion frantically coursing through me. There are few things that I know for certain. The first thing I know is that in 5 hours I will be getting on a plane and saying goodbye to my home for the next 11 months. The other is that even though I know this is what God has called me to I can’t help but be terrified.
For the last few days I’ve spent my time trying to squeeze in every goodbye that I could. How can I express to the people how much they mean to me? How do I know if this will be the last time I ever see them or not? How can I look at the ones I’m leaving behind knowing that when I return everything may change between us? Family, friends, loved ones, relationships, everything that makes up who I am will soon be left thousands of miles behind. When I made the decision to go on the World Race I never knew it would be this hard.
Frantic text messages to the ones I hold most dear trying to explain how much I will miss them, It’s the replies that keep me going. It was from those around me that I was able to borrow the faith that I so desperately needed.
March 10, 2014
Today I sit here on my balcony in the middle of Phenom Penh Cambodia and I cant help but see the similarities that face me. Rather than facing an 11 month missions trip I have 11 weeks until I touch American soil. Excitement, anxiousness, and dread all those feelings are coursing through me again. But this time these feelings come from a whole new set of concerns. How will I adapt to living a “normal” life again? What relationships will remain in tact? How in the world am I going to say goodbye to this family albeit how dysfunctional it may be at times.
The truth is I don’t want to be able to answer those questions. I do not want to ever live another “normal” life; I do not want to leave this family behind. After 8 months on the World Race I have learned so many lessons, many I have shared with you. But above all things that I have learned there is one truth the rings truer than the rest. No matter where I am, no matter whom my inner circle is, no matter what part of the wonderful world I find myself, this is the person I am and have always been. At the root of all my fears and concerns has been the fear of loosing who I am. Loosing the identity I have so desperately struggled to form.
The problem with this idea is that I had misplaced the root of my identity. I am not the student who worked at chase bank, went to metal shows on the weekend, and spent my spare time with some of the best friends on the planet. I am not the World Racer who spent 11 months traveling the world, living in community, and sharing the gospel. The only thing that dictates my identity is the sole fact that I am a daughter; a daughter of The King, saved by His wonderful grace, and living my life to glorify him.
So Here I am 11 weeks left on the World Race and I regret to inform you that I am not coming home. Physically yes I will com back or my mom may hunt me down and slap me again, but the person you once knew will not be returning. Over the years I have taken on so many identities; the daughter, best friend, student, girlfriend. While some of these may still be roles that I will play they no longer dictate who I am. I have no idea what lies ahead. I am coming home to no job, no car, no apartment, and nothing holding me back. But there is one thing that I don’t have that is so much more important. I have no fear. Whatever lies ahead I now have the one thing in life that is more important than anything there is; I have my identity.
Heres a few photos from the last week. I have a new team and we are now in cambodia after playing with elephants in thailand. So excited for the next 3 months, more to come soon. For more photos of my journey go to http://instagram.com/terinjames.
