“God, there is no right or wrong way about this decision I have to make. I love rules, I love black and white. I have a fear of not pleasing you or others. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want to disappoint nor have people be mad or frustrated with me. I so badly want to do the right thing. I do not want to screw up my life or do something you have not planned for me.�
“Teresa, look around. Get your head out of the water (the well water) and look at the land I have given you to run in. I have given you freedom, yet you do not run in it. I give you choices because I trust you.�
“But God, I do not trust myself. I don’t want to mess up. I struggle with grace. God, are You okay with me messing up? Wouldn’t you rather me just sit and wait for You than to go out and screw up?�
“I don’t want you to live in fear. I want you to be free. I want you to make decisions on your own.�
“God, I want you to be my dictator, I want you to make the decisions. Why do you want me to make my own? Aren’t you the author of my life?�
“Teresa, I ask you to surrender your life to me. To do anything for me, and you have. I give free will, I let you run, do flips and frolic. I let you choose to go left or right. Yes, you shouldn’t go outside the fence, but there are miles upon miles which I have given to you to explore. Go! Live in freedom. I trust you to make decisions.�
“But I don’t want to fall in a ditch!�
“So what if you do? My love doesn’t stop. I will gladly pick you up and show you a new way to run and hop.�
“Why do I have to mess up to learn?�
“I have shown you in the past that this is not true, but if you do mess up I have so much grace.�
“I do not want to disappoint you.�
“Teresa, everyone messes up and my love for them does not stop. I am a kind and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love.�
“What about people? What if they do not show me grace because they are humans?�
“Run to me for that grace because I will give it to you.�
“So I guess I need to trust you in that I can trust myself.�
“Yes�
“How do I trust myself?�
“Take those steps of faith, go out in the passage and run. Knock down those boundaries that you have set up.�
“How? Where do I even start?�
“Start with doing what you want about decision I have given you to make. You choose, I trust you.�
“So there is not a right or wrong decision for this?�
“I give you freedom.�
“Okay, what else? How do I not tiptoe around in the grass but freely run with my life?�
“I will give you more decisions to make that you can choose and shine light on things you have freedom in.�
“Ugh… that makes me excited but also overwhelmed. God, I want to change. I want to live in freedom. I want to learn more about your grace and accept it. I don’t want to have my head stuck in the water and continue judging others because their head is not. I want to run free with them. Help me trust myself, God! I don’t know why you trust me, or why you give me freedom, besides the fact that you love me. You know what I am capable of!�
“I do not want you to live in confinement. I want you to taste what I have given you.�
“Thank you God, thank you. Maybe this is the first part of abandonment, you not telling me every second exactly what I should do, but saying I am a woman now and to go out and explore the territory You have given to me. When I so badly just want you to tell me what to do and You do not, I can feel abandoned, but you are there just cheering me on and finding joy in the freedom you have given me. You like to see where I go. You want me to be myself.�
“Get up and walk! You are no longer lame. Take steps of faith. If you fall, trust me and I will show you grace that you have never witnessed. I trust you Teresa.�
