Hello, everyone!
Thank you for all of the comments on my blogs and all the messages and prayers – I appreciate them all SO much more than you know!!
We switched our off days this week so we are at the cafe today with Internet and I wanted to update you all on our ministry. I got to teach an English class this week off of no notice, so that was fun (see the video below)!
God really broke me in some ways this week that I am still processing, but basically I have never grieved any of the bad things that have happened in my life. I need to, because wounded people wound people and I don’t want old wounds to resurface later in my life. It is hard to figure out how to grieve and be free, but God will teach me. My squad leader sat down with me this week and made me tell her everything I could remember about how people had hurt me or how I felt like God had let me down…except I wasn’t allowed to justify it. I wasn’t allowed to say, “but I know the Bible says this” or “but I know God works all things together for good and I know He has a good purpose I just don’t see it yet” or “I know it’s made me stronger” or anything else you could imagine. I’ve never done that before. Not even close. And years and years of tears came out that I have never cried before because I just let myself feel: feel disappointed, abandoned, confused, betrayed, and humiliated.
We have something on the World Race called “feedback.” We have team time every day where we go over what we could do better as a time, do a fun activity or something as a team, resolve conflicts, and give feedback to people individually. It’s ironic that over the past two weeks my teammates have said multiple times how much they admire my honesty and ability to shoot straight with people and say the hard things with grace that most people won’t say. Yet when I began grieving, I realized that I haven’t even been honest with myself. I haven’t been honest with God. Because I somehow have slipped back into the lie that God can’t really handle my emotions or how I actually feel.
And I’m mad at Him. I’m furious at why He has brought me through some things in my life that still make no sense, and might never make sense. I’m devastated that some things didn’t turn out the way I thought they should. I’m crushed that He didn’t protect me from people hurting me. I’m hurt that people (even within the body of Christ) can be so cruel. I’m confused with why things have happened the way they have.
And I won’t justify it. Because I’ve spent my whole life suppressing how I feel about things and justifying them with “God is greater and His plan is better and I’m sure if I were Him I would have done those things and let those things happen the way they did.” Well, yes, that is true. But it doesn’t change how I feel about them. The only point in my life where I’ve ever been gut-honest with God and screamed at Him and told Him He was a terrible Father was when I was in the deepest pit with my shoulder before my third surgery. And what I find interesting about that is I got my miracle within a few months of utter honesty with God.
I’m not suggesting you need to yell at God all the time, but I am saying He can handle it when you need to be honest with Him. He created emotions and He created you, and He knows what you’re feeling even if you don’t tell Him, so you may as well be out with it and let Him heal those places that you don’t understand.
I don’t have all the answers and I don’t even know what this process looks like yet. But I do know that I am in bondage to some things that have no right no hold me captive when I serve the one Who died to set all men free. I don’t know how to be free. But I do know I am committed to becoming free. Because just as wounded people wound people, free people free people.
I am committed to being honest with you all through this process, even if I don’t have it all together and I don’t have all the answers. I just ask that you pray God breaks chains in my life, that I let myself grieve loss and betrayal and confusion, and that God brings me out of the other side of this in freedom and redemption like I have never known before. I feel that many people reading this battle with a lack of grieving and being honest with God, as well, so know that I am praying God breaks chains in your lives. Even if you have lived in chains for most of your life, it doesn’t mean you have to stay bound. Our God demolishes strongholds, no matter the depth of them.
I’m praying God brings you freedom so that you may walk in the liberty He died to give you. And in return, you can free others from the bondage they walk in. Because free people free people.
Walk in freedom today. And if you need to cry some tears to do so, know there isn’t a single tear shed that your Father doesn’t see. Let’s fight for freedom together.
Tera
Our two ministries this month are teaching English and sports ministry. If the kids aren’t playing, they’re fighting. At least 30 percent of the kids don’t go to school at all, and the ones who do only go for part of the day, so with all the free time they naturally turn to aggression. The two sides of the street used to war with each other, so Alex makes sure to do activities on both sides of the street so that everyone knows that he loves them.
Culturally, most people find church boring, so Alex meets the people where they are. Instead of expecting them to come to church, he brings the church to them. We play baseball with the kids two to three times a week, and sometimes we throw some basketball in there, too. This photo is from basketball last night. I’ll make a video about sports ministry soon and show you more. We teach English every day except our off days and Sundays, where we work at children’s ministry during church.
This is Merci, Alex’s wife and our host mom. As a side business, she makes clothes. We put our order in when we first got here, and she gave us our hand-made dresses last night! They are beautiful and so special!
Our squad leaders have been with us for a week and they leave tomorrow morning. It will be nice to have just the six of us again, but our squad leaders have definitely poured into us. I love how the children know us now and how all the girls run up to us at English class and at baseball to give us hugs. Two little boys came by today and asked if I could draw a bird for them. We did a drawing class a couple days ago and the kids discovered I can draw well (see the video below). So I drew each of them a quetzal (Guatemalan bird…Guatemala is close to my heart because I went on a mission trip there in high school and I sponsored a little boy there for eight years) on poster board and they asked me to explain the drawing. Little did I know I just did their homework for art class! Hahaaa they ran off to class with grins on their faces. But hey, I’m glad I could be of service!
Please continue to pray for my team and me, that we are open to all God has for us, that we remain safe, and that we leave Cartagena better than we found it.
Here are a few more videos!
