I have started this blog post so many times. Each time I try, I just can’t seem to convey what I am feeling.
Leaving LA was hard, I knew it would be, but it exceeded my expectations.
I went to Australia for 10 days, a weird little trip I planned over a year ago before I had committed to the world race. It was the best little vacation. Almost the perfect preparation for living out of a backpack, we lived out of a van for a week and drove the coastline from Sydney to Brisbane and back. It felt surreal, and it was so freeing and made me happy to wake up each morning with no plan but to experience the day.
When I landed back in LA, I suddenly was anxious to leave. I was tired of goodbyes. As I drove out of LA memories came flooding back from the past four years. Driving into LA for the first time, every early morning drive to gymnastics meets, all the friends that have come in and out of my life in that time.
I felt stupid. What the heck am I doing? Leaving a place that was so comfortable, where I was surrounded by such community, so many genuine people with kind hearts in a city with a rep for being fake. I had an amazing job, and a bright future, and suddenly it felt like I was throwing it away. I almost pulled over. I wanted to cry but couldn’t, I was so numb from trying not to lose it in front of the kids I coach and now I couldn’t let it out.
I tried to remember why I was going, why I thought leaving was necessary. I prayed.
I drove away from the palm trees and the sun and into a literal rain cloud and I felt the weight of sadness.
Then I remembered all of the negative things over the years. The struggle of finding my place in LA, the struggles of rooming, the mistakes I had made.
Life is not linear, there is no simple A to B. It constantly goes up and down. I wanted to go on this race not just to change the world but to let it change me. I want to become a more selfless person. I want to be called out for my bad habits. I want to separate myself from the comfortable and lean into the uncomfortable.
Not because I am unhappy, not because I don’t know who I am, but because there is always more to learn and grow.
I started listening to the podcasts that the world race provided to listen to prior to training camp. They got REAL really quick. Asking all the hard questions. One theme was the concept of abandonment. Leaving things behind. One girl talked about being in a similar place to me. She knew what she wanted to do and went after it. But somewhere along the way she lost herself and it became her identity.
I freaking love gymnastics, I live and breath it. I could watch drills for hours. I could spend hours a day in the gym. I love the kids. I love the environment, and the life lessons it teaches. I have been in and out of the gym environment for almost 20 years. Since I rejoined a gymnastics team as an athlete when I was 12 the longest I have spent out of a gym is maybe a month or two.
But no matter how much I love it, no matter how much I have learned from it, no matter how much time I spent dreaming about new skills or drills to teach the kids, it is not my identity.
Who I am is rooted in Christ. Whether or not you believe that, I will spend this year chasing after what that means.
One of the questions the podcast asked…
How do you react when you find yourself in a bar in Southeast Asia, surrounded by white middle-aged men who are there to purchase the local teenage (or preteen) girls for the night. When your only option is to buy the girls for a night to let them shower and sleep and give them a chance to tell their story. Then you have to let them go back to that life at the risk of them getting in trouble by their pimps or ruining the local ministry opportunities by being banned from the area for causing trouble. Can you control your anger? Your disgust? Your sadness? Your judgment? Your heartache? Do you accept the small things you can do in the moment?
I sat there and thought to myself. Can I? Can I go to that environment, serve, smile, make connections, and leave knowing that in a years time I can come home to a warm bed and a full stomach whenever I want while I leave those in conditions I hope you never even have to imagine. And the answer is… I don’t know. But I know that in my heart there is no other option to try.
Now the World Race is not all unimaginable poverty and impossible situations. There will be time for travel and community with the team. Time for exploration and games. But that’s life, the ups and downs. The highs and lows and the in-betweens.
I can’t wait for what this year has to teach me. I am so thankful for this day and age where technology allows me to share some of my experiences with you.
In the next two weeks, I will be headed to Training Camp where I will meet the team I will be traveling with for the first time and get a glimpse of what next year will look like! I can’t wait!
