Tree growing through an abandoned barn in my town. How crazy that there was this growth and beauty in the midst of all the wreckage around it.
“The space for God in community transcends all limits of time and place. Thus the discipline of community frees us to go wherever the Spirit guides us, even to places we would rather not go.” -Henri Nouwen
This quote is the accumulation of my feelings and thoughts for the first few days after finding out I got accepted. Although I was excited and happy to be going on this great adventure with God, I couldn’t shake the feeling of fear and that the race was the last thing I wanted to do. Spending a year in complete community, never being alone, was like a punch in the gut to an introvert like me. It was a situation in which “I would rather not go.” This wasn’t exactly how I thought I would be feeling. In my mind I had played it out that I’d be jumping for joy and running to tell anyone and everyone “hey! I’m going on the World Race!” So why did I feel like this? These were some of the thoughts racing through my mind:
“I am scared I will fail and come home early.”
“I am not good enough or “Christian” enough.”
“I don’t want to give up all the comforts of air conditioning, beds, bathrooms, and showers.”
“What if I get really sick while on the Race?”
“What if something big at home happens while I’m gone?”
“My friends will forget about me.”
“I am not good enough for God to use me like this.”
“Do I really believe in God?”
“Is it worth it?”
“What if I am misreading God?”
“I have nothing to offer.”
All these fears began to rapidly extract the joy out of me. These thoughts were consuming my life and ruining me. I seriously began to consider if the Race was where I was supposed to be. But as I sat in my Christian Education class God spoke to me. Feelings of guilt and shame swept over me. Am I really so selfish that I won’t give God a year of my life? He sacrificed his life for me and this is how I repay him? All those thoughts and concerns I had were valid but every last one was selfish. Not one of those fears came from the Lord. Last year on March 29 I was baptized and gave my life to the Lord, publicly stating that my life belonged to him. I now found myself faced with the question of, am I going to walk out my faith with action or just speak it and show it on Sunday’s?
Many people have asked, “Why now? Why not wait until you finish college?” I never really had an answer to that except “I’m not sure, it just feels right” but I get it now. The most important thing in my life right now is school, friends and my family. They literally mean the world to me and I began to put them before God. Matthew 16:24-25 says, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” If there is one thing I know for sure about God, it is that he doesn’t work within our timing; he transcends all limits of time. By missing my Junior year and my friends’ Junior or Senior years, saying goodbye to my family, and leaving behind all of my belongings I am literally giving God everything I have, choosing to trust in Him instead. I believe God chose this unusual and inconvenient timing so that I can find my life in Him by losing it.
These fears still tug at my brain and vie for my heart but they no longer consume me. On the Race I’m going to see and experience a lot of pain but I think it’s going to be a lot like the picture of the tree. In the midst of the pain and wreckage there will be so much beauty and opportunity for growth in myself, the community, my racers, and in my relationship with God. I know I am walking in the plan that God has for me and am confident that the year he has planned for me is going to be challenging, insightful, fulfilling and an amazing adventure.
