Why do I feel distant?
Where are you Lord?
Why do I feel numb, and then everything at once?
How are you teaching me things, but when I search and ask you seem to be gone?
Last month I prayed and begged that the Lord would speak to me. That I would hear that soft whisper, be given a vision, picture, anything really. I felt like He was thousands of miles away. However, whenever I sat down to write, or I read a specific word, He was guiding my hand and showing me countless things He was teaching me.
With my identity found in my strength and constant comparison, I felt like what I was sharing with the Lord wasn’t enough. I am surrounded by people and each of us experience intimacy with the Lord vastly differently, because we are designed to. We also all have our own identities, whether that is completely found in the Lord (where it should be) or in something else. I am not the same person as any of my team or squad mates and the things we have experienced are not the same. The Lord meets us all somewhere different. What it comes down to is am I willing to work at my false identity and acts of comparison and go look for Him? Are you willing to truly find Him?
I knew He probably wasn’t going to be easy to find. I felt a nudge, like He had given me a clue. He was calling me deeper than I wanted to go. He knew that. He wasn’t asking me to just go there to say hi and then pop in whenever I wanted. No, of course not, He was calling me to let go of my strength in myself and to enter into the brokenness and pain I have successfully avoided for years now. He was offering me a safe place in the midst of my pain. How badly I desire that safe place. The question was do I desire that more than avoiding pain? Was I willing to walk head on into my greatest fear trusting He would wrap me in His arms?
On Saturday, the 10th, we were in the computer lab at the school here at CORM (City of Refuge Ministry) for a time of worship (there is a keyboard in the room) and a lesson on Spiritual Gifts. As worship began, the rain began. Not a light rain- it’s rainy season here. When it rains, it pours. I walked out of the room, but felt like I was being dragged. I stood there looking at the rain, others started to come out and watch as well. Next, I felt a pull on my foot. “Step out,” the still small whisper said. I shook it off, thinking, “I don’t want to be soaking wet for the lesson. I don’t want to get these clothes soaking wet. Who knows when I will get to do laundry next? Above all else, what are all these people going to think if I step out?” In that last thought, the Lord pushed me, and I took the step.
I found myself standing there instantly drenched, no turning back. I had my arms out, smiling, and worshipping the Lord. Pouring out a heart of thanksgiving and praise for His glory. Then the prayers and the truest desires of my heart started pouring out. God was leading me into the pain and He was holding my hand tightly. I prayed for the desires of our Father’s heart to become the desires of my own. I prayed that I would allow myself to feel all the encouragement, love, affirmation, support and all the things that I received from my earthly father from Him. That I would truly know that I was a chosen, beloved daughter of the Lord. That I would allow Him to be my Abba, and find comfort in Him.
Through tears in that beautiful rain storm I felt the goodness of our Father. I felt His love and compassion. His grace and His mercy.
We are truly His and fully known by Him. He created each of us in His image and desires nothing more than a deep, intimate relationship with us.
However, it is a choice. We choose to be in or out. I chose to be half in, afraid of pain and showing my true self. In letting go of the identity I held such a tight grip on and instead grabbing His hand, I felt freedom. Freedom to be His and to be me.
The rain, the call, the plea, the choice, the surrender… it led me to a deeper walk with the Father. It pushed me into becoming a daughter of Christ in the most pure way.
Abba, I love you. Father, I choose you. Creator, I thank you. Lord, may all the glory be to you.
You are my safe place.
Prayer Requests:
1. For the teacher (Madame Jennifer), teacher assistant (Madame Elizabeth) and children in the KG2 (kindergarten) classroom I will be helping in this month to feel the love of Christ, and be excited to learn and grow.
2. To open my eyes to see what the Lord sees and to break my heart for what breaks His.
3. To walk humbly and with grace, loving others well.
4. For Trey’s left eye to be healed and his vision restored
5. To continue to lean into the pain and brokenness with the Lord, trusting Him and letting go of my false identity.
6. For all of you to experience the goodness of the Lord in your daily lives and seek after Him.
Prayers that were ANSWERED:
1. I have found the Lord! Not that He was actually missing, but that I found Him in the place He was calling me.
2. People everywhere are praying over Trey’s eye! This blows my mind and is incredible, keep up those prayers 🙂
3. We made it safely to Ghana, and the City of Refuge Ministry.
4. I AM FULLY FUNDED! God is so good and I am so thankful for His provision through all of you.
P.S. My next blog will be over the ministry we are serving! I cannot wait to share this all with you! This place and these people are incredible. They are boldly chasing the visions the Lord has given them, here at City of Refuge Ministry.
