Courage is telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.
-Brene Brown
I have really been struggling to write this blog post. I have this desire to be real and authentic. I know that God has laid it on my heart to be, but it terrifies me. I have about 7 drafts going for this one post. I start writing things flow, and then BOOM. I can’t make my fingers go any further. I know what I want to say, but I can’t type it out. I can’t make it permanent for everyone to read. No way, it’s too vulnerable…it’s real…it’s me. I think about how people see me, about all the times that I’ve been told, “Teagan your faith amazes me. It’s so strong and beautiful. I admire it.” How every time those things are said I am screaming on the inside that I am broken. Nothing about me is strong or amazing.
I am the sinner, the imperfect mess. I am nothing without Christ. I can’t stand in front of a group of people and share the hurt I feel or the doubt I have. I instead put a smile on and say that I am great and fully surrendered to my King. How often am I really great though? How often do I truly love myself well, so that I may love others? Do I even believe the truths the Lord has spoken into my life? Sometimes, but more often then not the answer is no.
I feel inadequate to be called to something so incredible, so powerful, and all for the Kingdom of God. Who am I to be chosen when so many around me appear like the better candidate? This weekend I had the privilege to attend the if:gathering with other incredible women here in Lincoln and all around the world. I was reminded that, “God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.” What a powerful statement that shook me to the core. That regardless of how fit I see myself to lead and share the gospel around the world to the unreached, that God sees me as His beloved and that He says I am enough. That He has called me because He has a purpose for my life. That if I am obedient, He will lead me.
I’ve been trying to measure up, to be something I am not. But why? Pretending isn’t our calling as a Christian. I have it all wrong! My calling it to be real, to live authentically, that is where the beauty of Christ is. I have no one to prove anything to. I’m in this for Jesus, no one else. My sins are real, but my God is bigger. And through His sacrifice my sins are wiped clean with the power of His blood. His son died on a cross so that we may each come to know Him, to believe His truths, to share His story, and live with purpose.
Jeanne Stevens spoke at if:gathering and she said, “Confession is a beautiful process of letting ourselves be seen.” That is powerful. It is powerful, because being vulnerable is just that. She went on to ask us, “Are you willing to be seen? To be authentic and truly surrender to Christ fully?” You know what, that’s hard. Ann Voskamp put it so well when she said, “We all carry an unspoken broken.”
My broken is trying to be what I feel people expect me to be. When I am not. I am not strong or courageous, I am not bold or wise, not on my own. I have felt this heavy weight on my heart to share this, to be real and share that life is hard. Things happen and they change us forever. And it is far more then we can handle. That is why we need Jesus. He is the light in the darkness, and the freedom from our bondage. He is our Savior.
