Indonesia. What a ride! I’m sure you’ve seen some of my team’s pictures and videos, so you have seen a peek into our month here. But really it’s hard to explain all that my squad and I have been through in the last 30 days…it’s weird to type that and let me tell you why. You see, I was originally slated to go on U Squad’s route last July. In August, I wanted to see how they were all holding up. What they were blogging about. What God was doing in their lives. What I found was many of them had very little to say. Not that God wasn’t rocking their world or that they were not growing. Actually the opposite. God was doing such a work in them, such a transformation, such an unexpected death of themselves that it was hard to comprehend. To find the right words. Interestingly enough, Expedition Squad and U Squad are both currently in Thailand, but hours apart. Pray for them as they fly to Central America with the Gospel in a few days.
I didn’t think I would have that writer’s block, but I find myself struggling to understand it too. It’s difficult to write about this daily dying process that is happening within, mixed with the joy that God has graced us with. I mean, my last blog was about staring at a half-empty Coke bottle for Pete’s sake! Who is Pete? I don’t know, but I felt safer using his name. So here I am in Bangkok, Thailand, trying to make sense of it all. I had a couple days of rest and processing in Bali, Indonesia. Maybe that helped.
God taught a significant amount of lessons this month to my squad and I. Lessons on ourselves, community, ministry, and His plan for the world. It was like trying to drink from a fire hose. Let me give you four lessons that really stood out this month.
Lesson #1: Humbled in the Outhouse
The second day I was in country, I was vomiting and had diarrhea…at the same time…at a camp ground…in the jungle. So my first time using a squatty potty (think a toilet on the ground that you squat over. Hence the name “squatty potty”) was not all I had dreamed it would be. I was literally wiping poop splatter off of my ankles and legs. It became a routine: I would hike up to the outhouse, diarrhea over a hole in the ground, walk beside the outhouse, vomit, and then dry heave for 5 minutes. My body would then wait 45 minutes and repeat the process. Not quite the mountaintop experience I was looking for, but it definitely helped expedite dying to my old ways. A stormy gift that screamed, “Ministry overseas ain’t no cakewalk!” A fire to refine my faith. Another humbling experience that I desperately needed. When you are 28 years old and you vomit so hard that you crap yourself, it humbles you down significantly.
Lesson #2: My Only Comfort
“Maybe I got in over my head a bit with this 11 countries in 11 months thing. When does the next plane leave out of here? I miss my American comforts.” Turns out I’m a lot of bark with not much of a bite. You know that dog, that barks it’s head off, but then when you come up to pet it, it rolls over to let you scratch his belly? That’s how I felt. Turns out I can’t do this Race by my own power. Or life in general. Turns out I’m really weak, and if I don’t have God on my side, I’m screwed. I guess, I’ve always known that, but now I REALLY know that truth. Even after my sickness, I struggled with living life here. I wasn’t a fan of the food. When I was down and feeling introverted, I didn’t have a car to run away to a restaurant to read. My comforts and idols had been stripped away from me. I could now only rely on my God. The One I yell so loudly about on Facebook and Instagram. I’m learning how to actively get to know Him daily. It’s not enough to simply proclaim and honor Him to my friends on social media and the world. Above all of my other pursuits, He desires that I know Him like the Father and the Friend that He is (Hosea 6:6, Phil. 3:8).
Lesson #3: The Missionary Actor or the Actor Missionary?
When God called me to the Race, I figured my acting days were behind me. God let me have my fun, but now it was time to get serious about ministry. Well as it turns out my passion for acting was flaming up even more once I got here. It took me by surprise, so I fought it and prayed against it. Still flamed. I told my teammates, waiting for them to say “Taylor, you are supposed to be an international missionary, not some actor in the secular world. Focus on the Race alone!” They didn’t say that. In fact, they told me the opposite. They encouraged me to pursue it, keep giving it to God, and they told me they had been struggling with dreams of their future too. What grace! And speaking of grace, God has focused me even more on the now. More focused on being present and letting my post-Race thoughts take a back seat. But I gotta be real with you: I could see myself pursuing acting again when I get back. I could also see myself moving to a country in the Arabian peninsula. Or it could be something God is waiting to reveal to me later. All I know is that I’m down for it, and my “yes” is on the table. I’m so sick of putting my own interests first. It’s an empty existence. Trust me. The best life is one lived for others and lived for God. No matter what the career looks like, sign me up for that kind of life. And to sum up what one of my squad-mates told me: “Don’t focus on the impact. Focus on being obedient and loving the people God puts in your path. If it’s a movie set, a foreign country, or both, God is going to use you. Leave the impact up to Him.”
Lesson #4: Real Heroes
Also, God showed me what real heroes of our faith look like. Jesus followers who counted the cost. If they were caught trying to convert a Muslim, would be put in prison for 5 years and/or be killed by their families. Jesus followers who had such a heart to love and show Christ to their country and people. We asked one missionary here, how he sees himself. If there is a “harvest field,” is he planting the seeds or watering the seeds? He told us neither, he was happy with being used to pick up rocks in the field. With tears streaming down his face, he told us there are communities of Indonesians all across the country, leaving it all behind to follow Jesus. More people following Christ than they have ever seen in 30 years. That is the heart of every long-term missionary we have met. A fire that cannot be quenched. I want that kind of heart for God’s kingdom. That kind of compassion for the lost. I hope you do too. God is doing something big in Indonesia.
When I was thinking of the title of this post, the word “requiem” kept coming to mind. It’s a poetic-sounding word. I thought it meant a story that eloquently remembers the past and it would impress the reader, “Wow, this guy used the word ‘requiem,’ surely he must be the next C.S. Lewis” – you. But requiem actually means a ceremony for the dead. So it is half-fitting. For although, I don’t feel I am completely dead from my old self, (“I’m not dead yet!” – Monty Python), I do feel part of Taylor Upchurch is gone. He’s burned up. He’s nailed to the cross. God has already renovated and put in new carpet in some rooms of my heart. He is moving His furniture in other rooms now. But I would be lying if I said I am fully devoted and sold out to God. There are certain rooms that I prefer to stay locked. For instance, I don’t fully trust God will work miracles through me. I mean, I do but I don’t. Never seen it happen. The miracles door is locked. Also, I have an orphan’s heart. It’s easy for me to see God as my Master and Savior. But once you start telling me I’m a son, saint, and heir to His Kingdom, I tend to mentally reject and push away from that. “Who me? A heir? I get an inheritance? No, I am but a sinful man saved by the grace of God.” Sonship door: locked. Yet I think I’m at a point, where I have handed the keys to these doors to God. But I haven’t let go. So I’m in this awkward, “Here Ya go, Lord…I’m going to release the keys any second now…wait for it…” My God is so patient with me. Pardon our dust: Taylor is under construction.
Requiem is not fitting on the other hand because Indonesia is not dead! God has not given up on this country! The Sudanese people (the largest unreached people group in Indonesia) are very much alive! Spiritually they may be dead, but there will be a day when millions of Sudanese crowd around the throne of God, fully alive and worshipping our King. It will happen and it has already started. Be a part of it! Pray for the salvation of the Sudanese people and all who call Indonesia home. Also, pray for our squad as we split up and head to ministry opportunities in Thailand and Burma tomorrow.
So, how are you letting God use you in your world? You don’t have to be overseas to be used by God. Your Creator and Redeemer can use you right where you are, in your current condition. Grow where He has planted you in this season. Ask Him how you can serve Him today.
To God be the glory!
