Taylor asked if I would write a guest blog. I give her lots of credit as it is difficult to sit down and know what to say. When I told her I was having trouble with this she said, “Mom, God will give you the words to say.” Such a wise, sweet 19 year old daughter I have. So here it goes…
I am just a regular mom. I have two amazing young people in my life that God gave me the privilege to raise over the past 21 years. Thank you, Lord, for entrusting me with these two beautiful souls. It has truly been the privilege of my life. With that being said, I found parenting to be quite overwhelming often times as it greatly magnified my nearly debilitating struggle with anxiety. Not only am I genetically disposed to clinical anxiety and depression, but the pursuit of perfection was modeled in my home to a degree that one never felt good enough. With this and some other pretty intense hurts, I learned to pursue perfection, chastise myself when I failed, and put on my best face for the public, I began to live in a state of anxiety hoping that people would not see me as a fraud as I was most definitely flawed and imperfect. This all sounds a little ridiculous as I write it, but don’t we all wear masks at times to cover up what we feel would be unacceptable to the world or unlovable or even just unpopular. So back to parenting… wow, that brings on a whole other level of anxiety… were they going to stay healthy, were they going to have friends, were they going to be the target of the bully, were they going to be the bully, was my divorce going to destroy them from the inside out, how would they survive the death of their father, was I enough to raise them on my own, would they make safe choices, how would they do in school, sports, etc.. And, most recently my daughter leaving the country for 9 months!!! Couldn’t she just go to Europe or Central America… But no… God had other plans… Africa, Thailand, Nicaragua and scary Myanmar… yikes. I was not prepared for this a year ago, but God has been so good. He has shown me so many miracles along the way from how he brought in the funding for her trip just before deadlines in so many neat ways, how Taylor has grown spiritually and how her character has literally changed as she is working towards being more like Christ, there is also an amazing new softness, selflessness and compassion in her that is not common in America and most certainly unusual in a teenager. I can see her brain thinking about how to respond to things verses just reacting. And, her capacity to love the Lord and others is nothing short of beautiful. All of these things bring me great joy as a mother, but more importantly show what life looks like when one is walking with the Lord daily.
When we were at launch and I was preparing to say goodbye to my baby girl for 9 months, which let me tell you was so so so hard. I felt led to do my own race here at home as a way of supporting her in her race and to feel closer to her while I was missing her so very much. My focus being building a stronger personal relationship with the Lord and listening more intently to how I am being led by the Holy Spirit. Since she left, I started a practice of listening prayer, scripture reading and just spending time asking God to guide me. This past week I found a deeper meaning to a scripture that is so familiar. Be anxious for nothing… Have you ever really meditated on this… I encourage you to and to take it a step further and read the context around the verse.
Philippians 4: 6-14
Paul is writing this to the Philippians… He has been a prisoner because of his faith and has so many things that he could be having fear or anxiety over. And he says…
“Don’t worry about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition let your requests be made known to God. And the PEACE of God which surpasses EVERY THOUGHT will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus……”
he continues in verse 11… “I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstance I am. I know both how to have a little (uh yes.. in prison) and I know how to have a lot. In all circumstances I have learned the secret to being content – whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
As I have spent sweet quiet time with the Lord and have read these verses slowly really thinking about the words, He is showing me that I can have a peace that surpasses understanding (even if my daughter is on the other side of the world and my son is on the other side of the country).. I do not need to worry… I will be fine if I have much or I have little. I need to be content exactly where he has planted me and know that he will direct my future paths and they will be the best path for me. When I sit in his peace, I find faith rather than fear, I am able to be fully present, I am fully available to do his work, and did I say peace. God has this… I am his. He loves each of us. He sees us as beautiful exactly as we are. He wants peace for us. He wants to give us a peace that is better than anything we can imagine or understand. Thank you Lord for that!
A challenge for you all… meditate on these verses and see what God speaks to you through them.
