The song slowly begins to ring and from my ears to my mind to my eyes, I awake. Warm. Uncomfortable. I roll off the sweaty couch cushion and onto the ground. Once again, I realize my surroundings. A classroom, hot with the breath of my six sleeping teammates, bright with the light of the morning sun. Heavy. In processing the life around me, my heart is heavy. Is this what it means?
We quietly climb into the cab. Unsure. Unaware. As we consider a new church we have prepared to serve, we individually pray for the Lord to lead. As we pull off of the side of the highway, our eyes search for the building where we will speak sermons and worship. We walk across the field and join the individuals waiting for us. As we plan the upcoming children’s event, we silently struggle. No building, no band, no sermons. Instead: clowns, skits, music, dance. While all things we know and love, this was not the plan. Is this what it means?
It’s December 21st. No decorated trees. No carols or cookies. No advent altar colors. And definitely no snow. As my teammate brings home a 12 inch tall Christmas tree, we place our secret Santa letters underneath. Even the foot tall tree is debated. Do we leave it and celebrate the Christmas we know and love? Or join the culture that opposes decorations and trees with stars atop? Christmas is different. Is this what it means?
Abandonment.
Such a heavy word. Such lack of understanding in this word. What does it mean? How do I do it, well?
This word comes up quite often for us (Racers). Our leadership team often asks how we are doing with it. Wait, what? I thought just being here meant that I was doing it. And if I’m not crying everyday because I miss home, it meant I was doing it well too, right? I begin to question: What does abandonment mean? Is it waking up in a room that is not mine? Or giving up the plans I prepared for ministry? Or is it celebrating my favorite holiday in another country? As I have had time to think, process and pray, I’ve realized there is a journey in store to understanding what true abandonment looks like for the name of Jesus.
To start, yes, leaving my home, my family, my comfort, my traditions, is a big part of this. When I am ripped out of what I KNOW, I experience what I do NOT know. Crazy right? And in that experience, I must depend on the Lord. Because, though my surroundings, my community, my bed, my home have all changed, He has not. The same Jesus I asked into my heart at age 3 is the same Jesus that greets me every morning here in Bolivia.
Next, my first move is prayer. Prayer about what in my life needs to be abandoned. Maybe it is something physical and concrete like a television that takes away from my focus and time with the Lord. Or maybe it’s something I can’t touch, but still depend on, like a relationship. Asking the Lord Psalms 139: Search my heart, Lord! Reveal to me what is in the way of knowing you more and walking in your ways! This a bold and necessary prayer in this journey.
Finally, and most importantly, we look at Jesus. When we look at Jesus, we find that abandonment comes with immediate action, grace and love. In the Gospel accounts, we see Jesus calling his disciples to follow him. My favorite word in the beginning of the book of Mark is the word immediately. When Jesus called to Simon and Andrew from the sea shore, it says they “immediately left their nets and followed him” (vs 18). In chapter 2, Jesus commands a paralytic man to pick up his bed and go home, “he rose and immediately picked up his bed and went out.” These accounts do not say that Simon and Andrew pondered Jesus’ offer and met with their parents about the choice. The paralytic man got up off his bed at the sound of Jesus’ command. In our obedience to Christ, we are asked to abandon the things he asks of us immediately, all for His glory and to further His kingdom. When my King commands, I am immediately obedient. There is no waiting when he speaks. In that we are met the grace of God, who works all things for the good of those who love him.
The cross is where we find the most beautiful example of abandonment. Love. God’s love for us required that he abandon what he loved most, his only Son, Jesus. In Mark 15, we enter into the moment of Jesus’ crucifixion. As he nears his last few breaths, he makes the effort of crying out to His father, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” As Jesus addresses His father in heaven, take notice of the name. “Eloi” which means “my God.” As we look closer, we realize the true pain Jesus felt in this moment was not the nails in his hands, or the flesh ripped off his back or the thorns against his skull… It was the pain of being left by His father. The pain of abandonment. For the first time in His life on Earth, Jesus calls on his father as “my God” and not “my Father,” as his Heavenly Father abandoned him.
Alone. Broken. No breath. No tears. No hope. An orphan on a cross. God turned His back. God walked away as His son cried out for Him. Jesus was abandoned.
Why? Why would the King of the universe send His son into the world only to leave him?
For you and for me.
God’s love for us put His son on the cross and left him to die, so that we will not! All for love’s sake, Jesus was abandon. His resurrection, three days later, mirrors our hope. Because of the sacrifice made, because of the abandonment on the cross, I will not be abandoned. I forever have the name and seal Child of God. And just as we will follow in Jesus’ resurrection, we are called to follow in this example of abandonment. We are called to a life of laying everything, EVERYTHING down because of our love for God. In this, God meets us with an unexplainable peace, an unattainable freedom and an irreplaceable joy! This is what abandonment means.
For me, the World Race has presented the beginning of true abandonment. This heavy word makes for a light journey, as I learn to leave everything at the feet of my Savior, the One who was abandoned for my sake. Leaving behind my home, walking away from my family and the people I love most in this world, and celebrating Christmas in Bolivia are just a few moments of tasting that abandonment. And everyday of walking in this abandonment, Jesus introduces new intimacy, joy and peace that fill me and fuel me to continue to lay things down for His name’s sake. What an honor it is to abandon everything for the name of my King, my Jesus.
