Last month in Zimbabwe, I lived at a center that was an orphanage as as well as a shelter for girls escaping abuse. This place, oh this place…I can only begin to scratch the surface of how amazing it was to enter the joyous chaos and live there for four weeks. 80+ people under one roof, and spanning so many different ages, was such a sweet (and wild!) gift.
I quickly realized that it would be a month marked as one of the best of my life. And it was.
There are little things that made it so; all of which involved the people there and God’s hand in all of our lives. Over the course of my time there I felt blessed by a whole range of relationships and moments – from silly dance parties with the teen moms to holding crying little ones close, from chasing squealing toddlers to teaching messy arts and crafts lessons – life was so full.
I felt like I got to fill some broken hurting cups with love and I get a little choked up thinking about those people now.
Around the time I realized just how much my heart was tangled up in this place,
I remember journaling,
“I love these kids so stinkin much and will absolutely cry when I leave here. Because what do you mean I don’t get to see all of em shoot up taller and grow into who they were meant to be? God protect them & their child’s hopes and dreams”
That’s it right there. I loved that the little babies, especially 8-month-old, saggy-diaper-butt Ella*, would shriek, “Aunty Taylor!! Aunty Taylor!” every time they saw me.
I loved that I spent time with Matt and Vincent poking our heads out the door during downpours and dubbing the biggest, fattest frog we could see the ‘King Frog.’ I loved that the kids would request drawing lessons or ambush me with hugs. I loved hugging Amy back to warmth when she was cold after swimming, I loved chasing Mimi when she emptied an entire water bottle on me. I loved laughing with Nat while we strung necklaces together, or tickling Pip when she wasn’t expecting it. I loved realizing that hyper Faye stilled and smiled when I took her picture. That she was fascinated with photography and lighting and color.
And as our time together drew to an end, it got pretty hard. I didn’t want to leave them and they didn’t want me to go. Trying to explain to some of the littles that this time, our team wasn’t just taking a short trip to town, pulled at my heartstrings. And I couldn’t tell them I loved them because that’s one of our rules- it complicates things (like goodbyes, for instance) between volunteers and expectant littles.
So I had to figure out what my mom would call, ‘A Good Goodbye.’ In the end, I think the morning we left actually went pretty well. It was a little teary but there was still undeniable good in the midst of it. When I got to reflecting on that send-off, I think what became my sole comfort was the knowledge that:
I can entrust all of my loved ones there to a loving Heavenly Parent that will never fail them, regardless of what their relationships with earthly parents look like. As big and as brightly as I loved them, I know God loves them even more, and walks with them in ways I cannot. They have been brought to a place of love, rescued from situations I can’t begin to fathom. God was with them all that way, and will continue to walk alongside each and every one of them- from the wizened gogos (grandmas) to the newborn birthed during our last week.
I can keep that divine promise, from Heavenly Papa to them and to me, even if I can’t keep living with them in this particular season.
While I pray that I find my way back there someday, if that’s not in God’s plan for me, at least I know I didn’t hold on so hard I harmed people in the process. That would have been worlds worse, I think.
Instead, I learned a hard but important lesson in Loving & Letting Go.
And as I leave you with that, my dear friends and family, what might you be holding onto too tightly? Some moments are like glass miniatures, and they’re beautiful, but if you tighten your fist you’ll only destroy good things and cut yourself in the process.
(* all names changed)
