Two weeks ago, I hit the halfway mark: all of us Racers on Gap P are now halfway through the Race.
It’s wild to think that roughly 5 months ago I left the United States on this trip. It feels like ages ago I was waiting out Hurricane Irma with my squad so we could take flight, and head to India. Now I find myself writing to you from Malawi, and so much has changed.
For one thing, I have a new team now, after team changes went into effect at last Debrief (around three weeks ago). It was quite the emotional experience, since I really loved my last team – the A Team – and that sisterhood was strong. However, I am enjoying my new team – B&B – as I am surrounded by a new circle of awesome people.
I think it’s interesting how people often, and quite naturally, have an aversion to change, to letting new people into their lives. It can be a scary thing, especially when that means stepping back from those that we’ve already established close and loving bonds with.
But shoot, in this case, I found that once again God had stretched my heart to love bigger. He has a habit of doing that. Just when you think no, I’ve found my people, I don’t need to open the door again,
He’ll surprise you by sending more family your way.
Hopping back to the halfway mark though, there’s something I want to share.
Now, I LOVE being on the Race. I know I’m supposed to be here, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
That being said – I’ve really faced homesickness this month.
Earlier in the Race it wasn’t something that bothered me much. But around two weeks ago, when I first rolled up to my first week of ministry in Malawi, it was kind of rough. Arriving on a Friday night, I was running a bad fever by Saturday noon. I hate being sick*, and it was so frustrating to be wrestling with chills, headaches, a hot head…all that mess. It didn’t last forever, but two days dragged out can seem pretty similar. I was contemplating going to the hospital, but the haze lifted Monday morning, after my team prayed over me the night before.
Tuesday we started our assigned ministry, and it quickly became apparent that it would be very demanding this month. With some variation, a day consists of 3 hrs of teaching English to high schoolers, then an hour lunch break, followed by a 5 hr after-school program at an elementary school we walk to. Now, I’m an introverted gal, and this schedule as a whole has proven to be super draining for me. Mostly emotionally, but fairly physically too, especially after coming back from being sick.
So I journaled about it.
(The words below are a merger of two letters I’ve written in my journal, directed @ God):
“I’m having a funky time here and admit I miss home a lot. But that’s just because I’m thinking too much about how comfortable and nice it is back there. I think I’m also struggling with burnout – because this ministry is really frustrating and emotionally draining. Back in a high school is one of the last places I’d like to be.
But I wasn’t called to ‘comfortable‘. I threw in my lot with whatever God decided to send our way. And I know several of the students do try so hard. I do it for them. I’m going to be in charge of their English education for 2 months so I can’t drag my feet. I just want to do well for them. Give me patience and wisdom, Lord. Thank you for each and every one of them.
And shoot, I don’t have to do this alone. I’m giving you my distress and embarrassment and my feelings of inadequacy.
Lord help me keep a good spirit and find joy in what I’m doing.
Cause in this moment I admit I want to be home. But you know what? This is so much better. I don’t really wish myself away. This is hard and all I know is God’s gonna see me through it, so I’ll hold onto that
God give me enough strength for today”
Yeah, I miss people from back home, so many familiar faces that I will be glad to see again. A lot of folks I love. And then I miss the things like washing machines. Having clothes that don’t have holes or stains. Being able to wear shorts (our current dress code is long skirts) and have a variety of cute clothes (lol my current wardrobe has to fit in a backpack). Decent showers. Strawberries are but a faint memory. Wifi? Who’s she? And to be quite honest, I miss pooping solidly. Ask any Racer – tummy times are rough round here.
But I don’t really wish myself away.
See, when things get difficult, God doesn’t jump ship. After writing those letters, taking these struggles to my Heavenly Papa, I found the next day went a lot more smoothly. There were a lot of little things that just added up to more peace of mind. I found that I did end up enjoying so much more. Over and over again, God gave me strength for the day. And that has continued to run over into the next day and the next – days can still be challenging but I haven’t ever felt as forlorn as that first one.
Imagine that. 🙂
At the end of it all, life is really good. God is supah good. And I’m deciding to bite back at those Halfway Blues.
Lots of love,
Taylor
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*I think I was just dehydrated/not eating enough, that’s all fixed now, your girl is back on her A-Game.
