Behind all the smiling pictures and positive perspectives… here‘s the real, raw, messy journey that brought me to where I am.
March 25th I went volcano boarding. Once arriving at the bottom of the volcano, after crashing 3 times, I knew something was seriously wrong with my knee.
(see my blog ‘$30 Adventure $500 MRI’ for the whole story)
Being raised to tough it out, walk it off, and rub some dirt on it, I continued life as normal limping around but also taking time to rest, ice and elevate.
The first 2 days my knee appeared to be getting better but then began a gradual decline the rest of the week.
After a week of limping around I finally decided an MRI was necessary, not only to walk in obedience to AIM regulations but also to get some clarity about what was actually going on.
April 3rd I hopped on public transportation to a hospital an hour away, while precertifying with my insurance company.
After a $500 MRI they told us my results would be ready the next day.
Because we didn’t live in town we asked if we could call to get the results instead of coming in, and without hesitation they said yes.
After calling every single day for a week and them promising they would send me my results via email, I was informed that they would not give me my results unless I came in and retrieved them by hand.
So I hopped back on public transportation to the same hospital an hour away.
Once arriving, they handed me a giant envelope with my results and sent me on my way.
Invalid information typed out in Spanish and no explanation… thanks bro
Overcome with disappointment, pain and frustration we took the results, held them up to a light screen in the mall and began to seek answers in the states via any friend or family member willing to help.
After many different diagnosis, no one could give me a definitive answer because the photo of my MRI via mall light screen and through Facebook messenger, was blurry.
So I took my giant MRI results and continued on with my squad to our next country, Costa Rica.
Our first stop was La Montanña Christian Camp where we had a mini debrief and who graciously lent me my first pair of crutches, but I needed to return them within 3 days.
Once leaving La Montaña, we arrived at our ministry home in San Jose where the AIM base staff immediately started helping me. They gave me a new set of crutches and contacted a friend who was associated with the local christian hospital who could get me a doctors appointment to have a professional read my MRI and get me some answers.
The doctor was so kind, however, the news he gave me was incredibly frustrating…
He told me that whoever did my MRI in Nicaragua did a terrible job because it was blurry and in order for him to know what was wrong with my knee I would have to get another one. BUT from what he could tell he thought I tore my MCL, meniscus and fractured my femur.
Having to leave the next day to return to La Montaña, I took this information and thought/prayed on it for about a week while crutching up and down the mountains of Costa Rica.
I decided that because it had been 1 month since getting hurt, 2 weeks of which I was on crutches, endless nights of waking up nauseous from pain and my knee wasn’t getting better, I needed another MRI.
$680 later I crutched out of my second MRI.
Returning the next day for my results the doctor informed me that my femur was in tact and my MCL was also in tact but my meniscus was torn in 2 places and I would need surgery.
Overwhelmed, frustrated and scared I took a deep breath as tears filled my eyes.
He walked me into the hallway to meet with the insurance lady who told me she would get in contact with my insurance company, asked when my surgery was scheduled and asked if I wanted surgery THAT DAY.
Uhm… excuse me. No. I would not like spontaneous surgery the same day. Maybe we should take a second to breathe and think about this.
The next morning I woke up, did not eat because I MIGHT have surgery later that day and waited for insurance verification so I could proceed with the surgery.
Receiving a call at 8am I was informed that the insurance company would not cover my surgery.
Not only would they not cover my surgery but they denied my previous insurance claim and would not cover any of my MRIs or doctors appointments.
So incredibly frustrated, mad, overwhelmed and disappointed I broke.
It had been a month long series of unfortunate events and my hopes of it all being worth it because insurance would cover all expenses were shattered.
After calling my dad with the latest news he graciously and lovingly told me to do whatever I needed to take care of myself and he would help me with the expenses.
That evening I arrived at the hospital to prep for surgery.
I was rolled into the surgery room at 6:30pm, had surgery, rolled out and woke up by 8:30pm the same night.
Within 76 hours of getting my MRI I was in and out of surgery!
PRAISE GOD for foreign medical facilities who get things done FAST!
The surgery went great and I retuned home (AIM base in Costa Rica) by 10pm, welcomed by flowers and sweet notes from my squad!
This season has been one of the hardest I’ve ever walked through. It’s been full of physical and emotional pain, missed expectations, disappointments and frustrations but most importantly the goodness of God.
I am extremely grateful for this season because of how much the Lord has taught me and walked with me every step of the way.
Here are just a few of the things the Lord has taught me in this season:
-Sometimes it’s not only about what the Lord wants to teach me but what He wants to teach others through me. He wanted to teach us what it looked like to walk through patient affliction, patience in the face of suffering, and choosing the joy of the Lord to be my stregth. I can’t have patience in the face of suffering unless I am sufferring. And it’s easy for me to choose joy when life if easy but can I choose the joy of the Lord to actually be my stregth when I am in agonizing pain?
-I’ve been walking through ”being chosen” with the Lord and He has taught me that He has chosen me for not only the really great beautiful things but also to be used in the Kingdom in really difficult, painful things. I am CHOSEN and sometimes that’s not as easy and fun as it sounds.
- “For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for Him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have.” Philippians 1:29
-I am learning how to be content in all circumstances. I thought I was a pretty content person in any situation, however, the Lord revealed that I am EXTREMELY discontent in any season where I have to be dependent on others/need help/allow people to serve me. And it’s OKAY that I’m discontent in the beginning. I am not suppose to have it all figured out all the time. It takes being in a season of discontentment to seek the Lord and allow Him to teach me how to be content.
-It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be broken. It doesn’t mean I am a whimp or weak. I grew up learning how to be tough both mentally and emotionally, very rarely going to the doctor, and I am SOOOO grateful for that. But now I am learning how to accept my brokenness. Not only accepting it but believing it is a beautiful thing that pushes me into intimacy and dependency on the Father.
- “”My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ‘s power may rest on me. I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak , then I am strong.”
-Similarly to above… I am use to my brokeness being internal and easy to hide from others. But now I am in a season where my brokenness is very obvious and on display for all to see. In the beginning I was SUPER self-conscious because I felt like everyone saw me as a broken vessel needing to be prayed for, fixed or felt sorry for and I HATE being the center of attention. I am learning that my brokenness drawing attention is actually a beautiful thing. As they look at me because of my brokenness I get to choose joy and as they watch me crutch by they get to experience the joy of the Lord. I get to not complain, people ask me how I do it and get to tell them about the goodness and love of Jesus!
-With the frustration of insurance not covering ANY of my expenses, God said: “I don’t want you to rely on insurance. I want you to completely rely on Me. How is it faith of everything always works out the way it‘s suppose to? But it‘s when everything goes wrong, I get to show up in miraculous, big, unexpected ways. Ways the world cannot give. If everything goes right people can say, ‘Of course insurance covered it. That’s not God, that’s people doing their job and everything going the way it’s suppose to.’ But if everything goes wrong and I show up, I AM undeniable. How many times have you asked me to show up in undeniable ways? To be undeniable, I have to do things different than the world does.“
-I had to deal with the lie of “I’m failing because I am a squad leader and I cannot go to ministry and lead by example.” The Lord has revealed that I am leading by example in talking care of myself. By taking time to heal and not jumping back in sooner than I should, I am thinking about my future children and how my choices now can affect others later in my life. I also get to lead by example in choosing joy and being avalible for others in the midst of pain.
-I am in a season of receiving. And as much as I don’t like it, that’s where I am. So I can fight it and be bitter and argumentative OR I can live out Philippians 2:14-15 and enjoy the love people have to give.
- “Do everything without grumbling or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’ Then you will shine like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.”
-The struggle of not getting to do much of anything: Even if I can’t always participate, I can be everyone else’s hypeman and I LOVE being the hypeman! God has also opened so many doors to opportunities I wouldn’t have had if I wasn’t hurt. I am a very active person so I am rarely just sitting around. But because I am constantly sitting, icing, leg propped, in the same place all day, everyone knows just where to find me. I am ALWAYS available. And God has provided authentic, good, deep, needed conversations and interactions.
It’s fun to watch God move when I physically can’t!
