This month we had something called an awakening.
Essentially it is a time for several different squads, all stationed in the same country/area, to come together, worship, disciple and pour into each other.
I WAS SO EXCITED!
We were going to be the most ‘seasoned’ squad there since we are on month 9 and others are on 4 or 7
I was excited to encourage other squads and let them know that they can finish strong and not end the race feeling tired and exhausted.
I was excited to share all the things I had learned on the race thus far and give away that wisdom.
I was excited to hear stories from their race and get a fresh perspective.
I was excited to meet new people and swap stories and experiences.
This concept of giving and taking from each other sounded so wonderful!
I showed up night one and was instantly attacked by something I’ve already dealt with, conquered and moved past…
I walked into a room that contained more than the 4 men from our squad.
I instantly felt insecure and VERY aware of my appearance and actions.
Like what?!
- I don’t even want a relationship!
- I’m not looking for a relationship!
- I am not even close to being concerned about having a relationship!
- I can’t date for AT LEAST 2 more months and who knows what I’ll be doing after the race!
- I know I DO NOT get my acceptance, approval or love from men!
- I don’t even want a relationship!
But for whatever reason I suddenly started struggling…
Satan attacked me with thoughts like:
“Look, you are in a group of more girls than guys and once again YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE PICKED.”
“If it comes down to a man picking a wife out of a big group of girls, you will never be picked.”
“You wont even be noticed by these men because Godly men aren’t attracted to you.”
“Face it, there will always be more girls than guys in the Christian world and you aren’t good enough to be picked out of the crowd.”
Like seriously Satan?
GET BEHIND ME!!!
When these thoughts started popping up in my head I wasn’t even frustrated with the thoughts, because I KNEW they were lies.
I was more frustrated with the fact that I have already conquered this insecurity, healed and moved on.
Why am I having these thoughts when I KNOW I get my acceptance, approval, love, wooing, reckless pursuit from Jesus?
Then I went to an inner healing session and it started to make so much sense.
She explained that life is like a spiral and there are different situations that make cuts into that spiral.
The bigger the impact, the deeper the cut.
As we go along this spiral, when we come across a cut, we deal with it, heal from it and move on.
But if that cut is really deep, it effects many layers of our spiral.
So as we keep going along our spiral we may have to deal with the same cut many times, depending on how deep it went.
But each time we come across the same cut, we deal with it and heal from it differently and potentially recover a little quicker than the time before.
It’s a little frustrating to deal with the same insecurity over and over again, but I much rather deal with it many times and continue to walk deeper and deeper into full healing, than to not deal with it and have the insecurity forever.
When taking these lies and frustrations to God (yet AGAIN) this is what He spoke:
“Taylor, I love you so much. I pursue you and chase after you constantly. You are my first pick every time. This love that you think isn’t specific to you (which isn’t true) is still greater than the deepest love any of these men could give you. I woo you. I notice you out of a crowd. You are my lily among the thorns. Isn’t my love for you enough? Keep your eyes and heart on me, your most perfect lover. I promise I will never let you down.”
Awakening awakened past insecurities
Awakening awakened healing
Awakening awakened even more freedom and redemption
I am awakened to the fact that the ONLY weapons Satan has are lies
I am awakened to the realization that healing may need to happen more than once for a given situation
I am reawakened to the truth that my love, approval and acceptance comes from GOD!
IM WOKE!
