testimonies from my “vacation”
if you haven’t already figured it out, i’m home. i’ve been home for a hot minute, but haven’t really wrote a blog about it or wanted to address it a ton because in all honesty— it’s been so hard. I’ve been home for almost 3 months now & still experience culture shock every single day. Add to that list of culture shock the fact that we got sent home 2 & 1/2 months early—quickly, suddenly, unexpectedly—plus being in quarantine for a whole month, everything is shut down, i’m no longer living with 40 other people any more, oh, and apparently there are these murder hornets??? Everything is so different, uncomfortable, and inconsistent. It’s frustrating. But man, what the Lord has taught me in these past few months of being home is insane! I’m grateful for every second of it, and i’ve definitely had to fight hard for joy. But I know all too well that we don’t really grow where we’re comfortable, and that has proven so true in the last few months.
Probably the biggest thing that I’ve struggled with is people not understanding. Not understanding the inside jokes that I forget only my team knows of because of something weird that happened in Malaysia. Not understanding how hard it was to come home early. Not understanding what it was like to do ministry in another country. But probably the biggest misunderstanding— missions. Yep, shocker. There’s apparently a huge stereotype that pops into people’s brains when they think of a “missions trip”. *Insert the photo of Post Malone & a cheetah, captioned “white girls taking pictures with poor children on a mission trip”*. This was hard for me to understand, and honestly frustrated me for so many reasons. I didn’t understand why people just made assumptions about things they didn’t really know anything about, or even cared enough to ask me. I watched people make fun of & even completely discredit the work that missionaries do.
The more I think about these “stereotypes” that I’ve seen plastered on basically every social media, the more I come to realize that it’s honestly pretty understandable. Taking one look at my instagram, you see a girl going on what looks like a really fun trip, with no struggles, no problems, just going to a bunch of different countries. Someone who wanted to make themself seem like a better person by “helping” people. And granted, I’m sure there are people like that—who go on mission trips for their own selfish ambition or to make themselves out to be a good person. But fortunately, that’s not everyone’s agenda. But taking a look at social media, I know this: it’s a glorified version of the real thing. I tried my hardest on the field to be pretty realistic & vulnerable with what life on the race was really like, but sometimes even that just didn’t cut it. I had someone argue recently that what I did was a “vacation”, and that I could put whatever religious title I wanted to on it, but at the end of the day, it was really just a privileged girl going on vacation.
This comment in particular infuriated me, and I felt the need to defend myself and argue, but the more I’ve learned to deal with these comments, the more I’ve learned to give out grace. I’ve tried to be more understanding, and just accept the fact that not everyone understands what life on the field is like, and that I can’t really blame them for having these stereotypes in mind. The biggest thing the Lord has put on my heart is to “seek to be understanding, not to be understood.”
I’m not writing this blog to defend myself, or even start a pity party for myself. Life on the field was incredible, and especially that in different countries is something I will forever be passionate about. It was some of the most fun I’ve ever had. But, there were also some not so fun things, and it was all completely worth it & I wouldn’t change any of it (plus, I signed up for it!). Instead, i’m writing this because the Lord put it on my heart to share a few testimonies and stories of some things I got to see & experience while on the field, and to be completely authentic. I totally get that social media has the tendency to show the glorified version of things, so here are some really awesome (and not so awesome) things that I experienced. So, hopefully this will give a little bit of understanding to my people who are wondering, “so what did you actually even do?”.
When me & my team did manual labor for 7 hours a day every day, and would get so frustrated because we felt like what we were doing was so pointless. This was month one of being on the field, so our pride was struck down real quick when we had to shovel dirt & work in the 100 degree heat every day. This taught me to be a joyful servant, and that I wasn’t entitled to always see the outcome of my labor.
When I learned the harsh realities of sex trafficking & prostitution, because the red light district was right behind where we lived.
When Molly found a chicken head, feathers and all in her soup, and had to just smile and act like she wasn’t completely freaked out.
When I was frustrated because I felt like I really wasn’t doing anything or making much of a difference & then one of my Thai friends (who I had just met at the time) said to me, “The fact that you came this far away from your home to be my friend and to love me shows me that God really does care about me.” (Brb while I go CRY MY EYES OUT.)
When our whole squad got bed bugs from shopping at a thrift store & it took us forever to get rid of them.
When I cried on my birthday because everything that day seemed to go wrong & it was probably the only day on the field that I wished I was just home instead.
When for 2 straight months I slept in the HOTTEST, most STUFFIEST room every night because we were in Thailand, it’s like a 100 degrees, there was 14 of us in a tiny room, and we didn’t have AC & I would wake up with soaking wet sheets from sweat. We fell asleep in a position we all liked to call, “the starfish”.
When we would walk all the way to the Super Wash to do our laundry only to find out that the machine was out of coins so we would wear our crusty clothes for another week.
When I became close to a woman who I still look up to a lot, and was able to learn from her and grow so much because of her.
When I would sit in an art shop and chat with the store owner (Miss Mandala!!! my girl!) every day, and she would get so happy that I came to visit her every day & listen to her tell me about her art.
When Alyson had a parasite in Malaysia, and was throwing up every 5 minutes, and we slept on the floor so when I would come in at night I would always forget she was there and accidentally walk on top of her. (Alyson, if you’re reading this I know that you still hold it against me, but to be fair it was super dark.)
When I got to become friends with a man named Elvis, and have him tell me how Muslim women are treated & oppressed, which is the conversation that opened my eyes to the realities of what those women struggle with on a daily basis, that gave me the biggest heart for them.
When I got sick in India for 2 weeks, felt the worst I’ve probably ever felt, and threw up every single day.
When I spoke with a man in a park, only to have him tell me that often children get kidnapped there, and they get sold into sex trafficking, or even have their organs sold on the black market. He asked me to pray for their city because it needed God so much.
When we slept on the floor for 2 months in India & mosquitos bit at my face every single night so I woke up lookin like I had chicken pox & I would just lay in bed so ready for the morning because that meant I wouldn’t have to lay on my stupid sleeping pad anymore that had a hole in it somewhere so I was basically just waking up on the hard concrete. (This one makes me laugh so hard).
When I had a huge “bruise” on my neck for 4 days only to find out it was a dirt patch because the freezing cold bucket showers were just not cutting it with the cleanliness.
When I woke up on Christmas morning to hear pigs screaming and being slaughtered outside of my door, only to then eat said pig (intestines & everything) that day for lunch. (a Christmas i’ll never forget).
When my whole squad freaked out & celebrated because we got to see a woman paralyzed from the waist down miraculously healed, able to walk again, & come to accept Jesus into her life.
When we were on a bus for over 40 hours and I had never been so restless, smelly, and sweaty in my whole life.
Oh and the other time when we were on a bus for 15 hours, going what felt like 2mph the whole way, looked like we were gonna roll off the side of the mountain, busted a window, and maybe had 2 bathroom stops?
When I woke up at 6am to brush my teeth only to discover that I was not using my tooth brush but the old toothbrush I kept to scrub the mud off of my shoes.
When our ministry was at a drug rehabilitation center, and the men that were there became like brothers to us, and we even got to witness some of them graduate from the program and start their new life.
When one of my friends, Riya, found out she was getting to go to school finally because one of my squad mates was sponsoring her.
When we were faced with yet another laundry struggle—washing our clothes in a bucket & no matter how hard we scrubbed, they would still be so dirty & when they would dry they would be so stiff. (the good old days!)
When it was the biggest struggle to get toilet paper, the amount of times we had to use the bathroom on the side of the road, (the amount of awkward but hilarious bathroom stories I have still concerns me.)
When me & my friend went 2 weeks without showering because the bucket showers were SO freaking cold & so we would just baby wipe it. (not proud of this one, but I don’t know if you have ever felt Antarctic water before. I mean, I haven’t. But I imagine they’re pretty similar.)
When me & Alyson went to a Hmar wedding & looked so dumb in front of all the locals because our traditional skirts kept falling down & had to get random women to help us re-wrap them.
When I realized that idol worship is a very real thing, and that people live their life in fear because of it— they make offerings to “appease” the bad spirits so that harm will not come on them or to their family.
When our power went out every single night so we would just take advantage of it & play murder in the dark.
When I gained 20lbs because all we would eat was rice every day for 7 months. Still love rice tho.
When we slept in the only room that had the water heater so any time someone turned the water on it was super loud & woke all of us up.
After typing these out & reliving these mems for a hot second, some of them make me laugh super hard. Some of them make me sad because of how broken the world is & how much it needs Jesus. Looking back, some of these were so great in the moment, and some of them were so frustrating and difficult. But I wouldn’t trade them for anything, because they taught me to look more like Jesus, humbled me, and showed me that sometimes abandoning the basic comforts of home are what Jesus asks us to step into (and for the most part, I have an abundance of funny stories to tell). Sometimes he asks us to experience hard things so He can break our heart for them and desire for things to change. So hopefully, after reading this, you’ll have a little more insight into what life on the field is really like. I have too many stories to share to fit them all into this blog, and these only cover a tiny portion of them. I’m grateful for this journey the Lord has took me on the past 7 months—the really fun parts, and the really uncomfortable parts too.
