It’s been too long since I’ve posted an update or blogged. My apologies!
Honestly, I’ve been in a pretty spiritually and emotionally difficult season in my life, but I’d love to share a bit about it.
First, you may have seen that my blog has a new fundraising goal that’s empty, and another “Donate!” button. Well, that’s because I’ve accepted the opportunity to alumni squad-lead next year. Yup – I’m finishing the Race in December and heading back out to lead a new squad in January for 5 more months! The Lord is crazy (and so am I).
Although exciting, this decision has been a very hard one to make. In saying “yes” to this, I had to say “no” to a lot of other great experiences, and of course, commit to being away from the U.S., friendships, and family for another season. Technology does make it easier to be a part of the big things, but it fails to fill the gap of small parts of life that add up to the large physical distance between you.
I knew without a doubt that squad-leading was the way to go. It requires me to rely on God the most, it holds a lot of challenges that I’ll surely learn from, and it gives me another opportunity to share my gifts, talents, and passions with others. Honestly, it’s been one of my dreams come true (in a roundabout way).
My struggle is that when we commit to faithfully stepping out in God’s way there’s pushback and speed bumps. We were never guaranteed ease in life with believing in God, and actually following Christ. It really seems pretty harsh that God would allow things to get trickier when abandoning our own way and knowledge for His.
It won’t get me far, though, to settle for comfort and think I know best.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the comments I receive and the questions I get about the way I live my life. It’s a large sacrifice to continue to follow God and know His character and purpose when the world doesn’t care for it at all. It’s caused me a lot of hurt and anger, and I’ve directed it towards God most of the time for leading my life well but making it painful in the process.
It’s also allowed me the space to ask a lot of tough questions about and to God, though.
I recently re-read my favorite book, Hinds’ Feet on High Places. It’s a beautiful allegory about our walk with God, and how pain and sorrow go right alongside love, and the purpose in it all. It paints this mystical picture of how we’re never going to get to the heights and glory of “Z” if we live fearfully and comfortably still at “A.” What this incredible story did for me was remind me of what I myself have been fearing and avoiding: the stable, just, and sacrificial love of God’s character.
I have a lot of questions about a lot of things with faith, religion, and Christianity these days (which is actually cool, and I promise you don’t have to try to save me), but one thing I’m sure about is that God exists and His character is not flawed. God explains the things that can’t be, like words to describe something extraordinary, a feeling we’ve never felt, or things that can’t be tested or found in science.
At the very least, God is a constant when our lives fluctuate emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. That is a hope that can’t be explained. When our whole universe relies on the laws physics to keep life sustainable, God holds that while being outside our very concept of laws, rules, time, and space. That is a trust unlike any other.
While my circumstances and world are seemingly ablaze around me (I’m literally picturing the meme with the dog smiling in the middle of a room that’s engulfed in flames), I’ve decided to lean on and press into God instead of blaming and avoiding Him. Now, I just tell Him I want to blame and avoid Him. I have faith He can handle that and He’ll do something with it. I’ll end up with God somewhere, and it’ll be good.
