Forgiveness
I’ve been home from World Race Training Camp for more than a month, but have failed to share with you one of the most profound things my Father taught me while there.
I arrived to Training Camp a few days early to participate in a women’s retreat called Beauty for Ashes. I didn’t know much about this retreat, but my attendance was a lesson in obedience to God calling me to step out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable. I was scared to share my story. I was afraid to open up to women I had just met. It seemed too fluffy and gushy for me, but I did it anyway, and OH, MY GOD SHOWED UP!
This retreat stirred us to find how we view God and how we believe God views us. It provided a safe place for us to share a moment of hurt in our lives.
I shared a moment of hurt with a particular person in my life that has had an immense impact on my spiritual journey. Often unintentional hurt, but pain nonetheless. Hurt that I thought I had worked through during my counseling journey. God brought the pain back during this retreat in order to start a deeper healing process.
I thought I yearned to forgive this person, but in reality, I was STILL holding on to the pain. I wasn’t ready to let go of my bitterness. I didn’t even know how to desire to forgive this person. I knew God wanted me to forgive, but I didn’t know how to want that too. I was stuck.
Throughout Training Camp, we had more activities and musical worship times that continued to stir this pain up. I don’t think there was a day at Training Camp that I didn’t cry from experiencing emotional pain, feeling overwhelmed, or realizing how much God truly loves me.
I began simply putting my hands downward in a symbol of letting go of my baggage and then lifting my palms upward as a symbol of my surrender. I started to ask the Holy Spirit to move in my life. I didn’t spend a lot of my time asking for God to provide me with a forgiving heart, but instead just wanted Him to work in me.
Thursday night at Training Camp was the boiling point, in the most radical, most holy ways I have ever experienced. This was one of our last worship nights, filled with dancing, prayer, singing, and complete surrender.
I jumped right in with the worship and started singing. I felt God wanting to pull me closer to the stage. After a few minutes of telling Him that it was weird to move closer to the stage in the middle of a worship set, I gave in and walked closer. The Spirit started moving, not in the usual way of me crying. This was something completely new. He gifted me with unexplainable joy. It overwhelmed me to the point of uncontainable laughter. Believe me! I tried to stop – my abs were on fire. But the Spirit couldn’t be contained in me and the laughter wouldn’t stop. This went on for the entire worship time (I think it was about 2 hours) and I was just jumping and hollering and laughing. The Spirit was moving in different ways in my Squad mates – one went on stage and prayed with boldness that we’ve never seen before, one experienced proof of God’s provision in her life, and others cried, danced, and prayed. I kept on laughing.
A song started playing that we had sung the entire week and always reminded me of that person I needed to forgive. But this time it was different! I didn’t slink back and change the words to fit my mood. I started singing the actual words, and then the Spirit spoke. He softened my heart for me toward that person. He wrecked me so much with His love that it didn’t matter to me anymore if that other person fell short. Throughout the week, my Heavenly Father was putting the outside pieces of the puzzle together (His love, grace, acceptance, provision) and without me noticing, He filled in the middle too until all I saw was forgiveness and love for that person.
It’s like God saw the hard pieces of my heart, pressure washed them off, and then sewed it up and filled it with soft pieces so I could fully be used by Him.
I was so humbled by this, I couldn’t stand. I was still laughing uncontrollably, but I could only kneel and just thank Him for moving in the craziest way I had ever experienced.
I’m smiling here just remembering it.
The forgiveness that He provides is real. The hurt I’ve experienced is still there, but I don’t hold on to the grudge anymore. I’m no longer bitter. I’m set free.
I invite you to search your heart for moments of pain and if you have unresolved hurt, pray to the God of perfect healing and love to soften your heart toward that person. He won’t leave you or abandon you. He isn’t afraid of the mess in our lives. He wants our hearts and He will heal. He will restore. And He will fill in the spaces where we fall short.
