My story begins with my birth, February 24, 1991. My parents got married 7 months later but gave up so much to provide for me. I grew up believing the lie from Satan that it was my fault for my parents having to sacrifice so much for me.
I believed in Jesus at age 5 and early on wanted to make it my own. I wanted a personal relationship with Him and did everything I could to continue growing deeper into knowing Him. I didn’t know what grace was until I got to college, so growing up, I misunderstood the gospel. I thought I had to work for it. I thought I had to do everything I could to be worthy enough for Him to love me. I thought I had to pay Him back for His sacrifice.
I believed that He wouldn’t accept me if I was imperfect. He wouldn’t use me if I didn’t measure up to His standard of goodness. I believed the same about people in my life. I believed that no one would love or accept me if I showed them when I struggled or fell short. So, to make sure I was always accepted, I was never real. It’s a fake belief of acceptance if you aren’t even your true self. But, I didn’t think that through back then. This way of thinking lasted throughout high school and college. I wouldn’t ask for help. I would ask for prayer but would never show others how deep my struggles went. I suppressed my emotions because I couldn’t deal with them. I believed that emotions showed weakness so I didn’t allow myself to feel them. I put on this front of having it all figured out, but behind closed doors, I was broken. I let out my emotions the only way I knew how. I tried self harm, contemplated suicide, kept my mind in the darkness of depression and anxiety, and used boys to make me happy and keep me from working through the reality of my struggles. Though not all parts of those relationships were wrong, I was not always in a healthy place. God still used those relationships to teach me.
I found a lot of my worth in being perfect. I found a lot of security in boys. And I found a lot of pride in knowing that people didn’t know who I truly was.
But my Heavenly Father didn’t leave me there. He knew I needed out.
God used one of the pastors at my church to speak into this hidden area of my life to be a catalyst for the most important change I’ve ever experienced. The pastor didn’t know how deep my struggles went but suggested a season of counseling. I could tell he was a little hesitant to suggest it, but I am so beyond thankful that he followed God’s leading to suggest it.
Through counseling, God started to connect the dots for me. I realized my struggle with perfectionism, people pleasing, anxiety, identity, fear, love, grace, and more. He opened my eyes to Truth and completely changed my life.
My story doesn’t end there, though. Everyday is a new day to consciously be vulnerable with others, to let them see the real me, and to abandon my old way of living.
I never want to go back to the empty shell that was my life. I want to live every day with fearlessness and authenticity. Being on the World Race has brought up so many more things God wants to heal, work through, and lead me to. He is working everyday and being taken out of my comfort zone helps to highlight those areas that He is working in. Living in constant community also helps highlight those areas. God uses community, the people around me, to call me out and ultimately call me higher to live in the identity that God has created me to be. For me, the most challenging part right now is to allow that community to see all my struggles. When I let them in, there is true acceptance and love.
That’s how God intended community to look like. And I have begun to see that in the beauty of my team. Some days aren’t easy, but my team calls me higher and into light.
A few things that God is teaching me right now: He is showing me through my Logistics ministry for the squad how much I struggle with control over planning and delegation. He is showing me more emotions that I have suppressed that He is making come to the surface – especially anger that I have never allowed myself to feel. He is showing me that I often change different parts of myself to fit into what a man would want in a woman. I’ve seen this happen in my life several times and in the process, have forgotten who I truly am. He is showing me how much I care about what others think of me. That’s another way I am not being who He has made me to be. He is showing me how to just sit in His presence without working to keep the relationship going. He is showing me how He is pursuing me, and I am just allowing Him to.
This is a beautifully challenging month. It’s a beautifully challenging life. I’m exactly where God wants me to be.
