Why me?
The question I keep coming back to. Why did God pick me to live in the suburbs of St. Louis, Missouri, while He picked Lo to live in Chiang Mai, Thailand? Why did He choose for me to go to college and get a full-time job at a non-profit while He chose for her to work at a bar and sell her body to make a living. Why did He choose for her to continue to sell her body to provide for her children who are now 22 and 26 years old? Why? I don’t understand why and it’s the question I keep stumbling on.
I had been praying for Abba to open my eyes to see what He sees. Really I had been asking Him to let me hear what He hears, see what He sees, smell what He smells, taste what He tastes, feel what He feels. I wanted my senses to be overwhelmed with His reality. I needed Him to be there.
Abba led us to this bar where a girl was sitting, looking hopeless. I had seen her on our first loop of prayer walking. Honestly, at the beginning of our second loop, I told Abba that if He wanted me to go into that bar, that I would have to see her again sitting in the same place (I had seen her get up and walk around so I didn’t expect her to be sitting there again). But there she was… Sitting there and staring at her phone and she just looked hopeless. I walked past her. I knew Abba was calling me in there. I kept walking.
I KEPT WALKING. I had asked for eyes to see what Abba sees and when I saw it, I kept walking.
Daniel turned to me and said, “She just looks so hopeless.” I replied to him, “She’s just on her phone.”
He confirmed, “She still looks hopeless.” I hesitated and then gave in. I told them we were going into that bar. The same bar I had just walked away from. We turned around and walked in. The story wasn’t over…
We ordered our Cokes and sat down. The young lady was still on her phone and when I tried to talk to her, she didn’t know English. We sat down in some empty seats and just waited. I didn’t really know where to go from there. I walked in to the bar like Abba told me and now I didn’t know what to do. I offered a seat to a woman that worked there and asked if she wanted to play “Connect Four,” the only game they had on the tables in that bar. She accepted and we started playing. Each of us challenged her and she won every round. She was very strategic and bright.
We tried to make conversation. She knew English! She told us her name was Lo*.
In between her getting up to seat customers, we talked about her children, her work, Buddhism, and Daniel shared the love of God with her. She seemed to understand what we were talking about and listened intently.
After a little while of talking, Brittni and Daniel felt led to walk over to the Lady Boy bar a few bars down, but I felt led to stay where I was. So I stayed and they walked over to a table where they could still keep an eye on me while they talked with one of the lady boys.
I continued sitting and sipping my Coke, praying over the conversations and the people I was seeing. Every few minutes, Lo would sit back down with me. We would then talk for a few minutes before she had to get up again to seat some customers.
I found out that she and her sister worked there. Her boss owned two bars next to each other – one for the young women and one for the older women. She had been working for him for many years.
There were some questions she refused to answer. I got the impression that it was because it was unsafe to answer them.
We continued talking. We talked about God.
I told her that my God is the one that created each of us and that He loves us. I told her that if I did something bad, I just have to apologize to God for it and He completely forgets it. He will never remember it again.
She was blown away by that. She thought it was so amazing.
I told her that God wanted to spend time with her. I told her that God hears all my words and He even hears my thoughts so sometimes I pray in my head and I know God still hears me. I told her that sometimes I spend time with him by just sitting and closing my eyes and talking to Him. And He talks back to me. When He looks at me, He looks at me with love and sees me as beautiful. I told her that He looks at her the same way.
While she was seating people, I prayed for those around me. I saw a family walk in with their 3 sons – 2 young boys and a pre-teen boy. They were solely there to watch the Mai Thai fight but I kept interceding for them all. For their protection. For all 5 of their protection. Their eyes, spirits, minds, souls. I prayed for the 2 men that sat with the intention of buying a woman. I aimed at only looking at each person with love and the eyes of God.
This was probably an hour of watching all of this. The whole time, I was praying for them. And I could just see (not literally) the spiritual battle going on all around them. The light and the dark battling. Tonight, I saw Abba in a whole new way. I just saw Love. I saw His love for His children – not just His daughters who are selling their bodies, but for the sons that are buying them. I saw brokenness. I saw the lies. I saw the loneliness. I saw the uncertainty. I saw the shame. I saw the dead end street.
But I also saw the light. I saw the hope. I saw the joy. I saw the peace. I saw the Love. I saw them as image bearers of Abba. I saw the Father wanting His children to run back home into His arms. I saw His desire for them.
I still don’t know why Abba placed me and Lo in the lives He did. I’m trying to find peace with not knowing the answer. But right now, all I can think about is going back. Going to see Lo again and reminding her how beautiful she is. Reminding her that God wants to talk to her and wants her to know how much He loves her.
My heart has been set on fire for something completely new. These women are living my worst fear and I’ve wasted 24 years of my life avoiding it.
I can’t live another day avoiding it. They live the horror EVERY SINGLE DAY and then they do it again. When will it end?
WHEN WILL IT STOP?!?
I don’t know where Abba is leading me when it comes to serving prostitutes, but I know He’s leading me into battle. And I will not back down. Will you?
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12).
