As I sat in the red van waiting to leave for the feeding, and trying to keep it together as I waved goodbye to the wonderful people of Gap B (Gap Year missions are trips that range from 18-22 in age and travel to 3 countries over a period of 9 months), a question crossed my mind that I wanted to yell out the window, “Do you have room for one more?” I suddenly had an urge to pack my things and travel to Swaziland with these young men and women that I had only known for a few short weeks. I could totally pass for 21-22, and although I love my squad, they wouldn’t miss me too much, right? This unexpected thought made me wonder why, exactly, I was feeling that way, and I believe it comes down to this: I do not know if I have the emotional capacity to say goodbye to people I have come to know and love again. And again and again and again.
Coming into the Philippines, we were under the impression that we were going to be alone this month. This was due to the fact that we had to take a 25-30 hour bus/ferry/car journey to get to our destination of Tacloban. It was to our surprise when we arrived at the bus station, that a group of young, white Americans who looked vaguely familiar came pulling in to pick us up in a truck. It took us just a few moments to process that we were, in fact, not going to be alone, but would be living with 25 members of the Gap B squad, who we had gone through training camp with. I will be the first to admit that I was surprised at this aspect and didn’t know how to feel about 30+ people living and working in one house.
I quickly and inexplicably fell in love with them. They were young men and women who loved the Lord, who chose to come onto this trip at an age where I would have laughed at the prospect, and who showed me how to love well. They rearranged their room to make space for us, welcoming us with open arms, notes of encouragement, and chocolate. They were gracious with all of our stuff, our taking over of their floor space, and our confused acclimation to the regular schedule. I got to have deep conversations with some of them that made me want to talk to them even more. I got to know some of their stories and hear what God was doing in their lives, and I got to invest in people who seemed to be more passionate about life, ministry, serving others, and listening to the Lord than most I have met. I was inspired by their energy and their attitudes, and I will forever be grateful for the time that I spent with them.
But here is my struggle as I touched on before, as I asked the question wondering if their squad had room for me, I suddenly asked myself, “Do you have room for one more?” These people are obviously not going to be the last I come in contact with that I feel a real connection with, so I am wondering if it is worth it. I don’t know if my heart has more room to love then lose. Is it worth investing myself in people then having to say goodbye with the prospect that I may never see them again? Is it worth loving than losing so quickly? Is it worth going through this 11 times in one year? These are hard questions that I am having an even harder time answering.
But what would anyone say to that? I believe most would answer, “Yes, it’s worth it.” I cannot close myself off from feeling this way again, because then I would not be able to feel the true bliss of happiness and loving someone the way that God loves us. So though I am sad about saying goodbye, I am happy that I got to experience this month with them, and I wish them the best of luck with everything that they set out to do. They will have such an impact on the next two countries, and have inspired me to continue doing my best to impact those around me as well.
These times of confusion is when the Lord steps in and reminds me that He is constant. He will always be there for me, and He always has room for more love. I may not see certain people ever again, but I can always pray for them and put my trust in the Lord’s plans for their lives. Cause let’s face it, He knows what He is doing. Me, not so much.
