Holland, Michigan.
I never thought I could miss you this much.
Every morning when I wake up and don’t see those glow in the dark plastic stars that have been on my ceiling since I was 6, my heart hurts.
I miss when the snow becomes too much, the only thing you have to do is sit around a fire, watch movies and drink hot chocolate.
I miss the Sluggos reunions with friends where it feels like we’ve never left each other and we still talk too loud where everyone can hear our WAY too personal stories.
I miss the beach. Blading there as soon as I wake up, and refuse to leave only until the sun sets.
I miss my dad waking me up because he HAS to vacuum.
I miss my step mom always sitting in her recliner chair ready to greet me every time I come home.
I miss my sister constantly asking me to have a sleep over, and when I finally say yes, it turns out to be exactly what I needed.
I miss Captain Sundae and the delicious peanut butter shipwreck. (I mean seriously that sundae is a slice of heaven.)
Holland, everything is different here, even the star constellations are different.
But here’s the thing Holland, when I come home, I’m going to be different too.
And you can thank Zimbabwe for that.
This month has not been easy for me. I’ve been dealing with anxiety and lies floating around in my head that can only be from the enemy. And on top of that Zimbabwe is so far out of my comfort zone.
We sleep in a house, if it was in the States, it would have been condemned years ago. We fall asleep listening to rats running through the walls, and the cockroaches scurrying on the floor. (Which really sometimes makes me feel like I’m back working at camp)
We take bucket showers, outside, and flush the toilet with that same bucket.
And we are doing door to door evangelism, and are expected to preach at the church services.
But God is teaching me how to be bold, how to choose joy, how to be dependent on Him but most importantly that it’s okay to feel.
Every time we go out and evangelize I write “Be Bold” on my wrist, to remind myself to speak and share my story with the word of God. I’ve shared my testimony, twice now, fully exposing myself but giving all the glory to God. I’m not sure if my story has impacted anyone, but if I don’t tell it, it never will. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be preaching this week. (I’ll let you know if that happens)
Every morning when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety, I have to choose joy. I choose joy in the little things, like being able to teach a group of African Children the song “Bitty Bum Bum”. (Can I get an Amen from my SpringHill friends?!) Choosing joy by getting to live with precious Emmanuel and his entire family. And choosing joy seeing people I’ve talked to, come to Church to hear the word of God. (And leadership I choose Joy Grayczyk to be on all my teams)
With the lack of wifi this month, I can’t get my advice and support from my friends and family, I’ve had to turn my complete attention to the bible and God. I’ve heard God’s voice more this month then I ever have heard before. He whispers words like ” be bold”, “this is my promise for you”, “I’ll never let your faith burn out”, on an almost hourly basis so I can beat the lies floating around in my head. He gives me signs reminding me, that here, in Zimbabwe, is exactly where he wants me. And I sit here trying to wrap my potato brain (as Kayla Z. would say) around just how much God loves me.
But really, the most important thing I’ve learned is it’s okay to feel. It’s okay that I love people deeply, it’s okay that I get angry when my anxiety won’t go away, it’s okay I miss home, and it’s really okay that I feel weak.
God delights in my weakness, because I am growing, I am learning, and he is being glorified through it all.
This whole World Race thing is hard, and sometimes I feel like I talk too much about my own personal growth, but really when they tell you that you grow in your faith 5 years on the world race, you really do.
Holland you’ll always stay the same, my favorite place on this planet, and I’m thankful for that.
But Holland, when I come home in 6 months, I’m going to be more bold, more joyful, more dependent on the Lord and I’ll probably cry when I see you again.
And we can thank Zimbabwe for that.
