I’ve been trying to find the words to describe my experiences at training camp, from bucket showers, to meeting my family, to the overwhelming presence of God. There were so many amazing experiences, and stories that honestly would not even have time to tell you everything!
I will however tell you about my feelings before, during and after training camp.
The night before I was leaving for training camp I sat on my bathroom floor crying for about two hours. When I say crying I mean I couldn’t breathe I was sobbing so hard, I was having a panic attack and nothing seemed to calm me down. This overwhelming feeling of being unworthy washed over me and I believed it. What was I doing agreeing to an eleven month mission trip? I JUST came back into my faith about three years ago, I lived a life full of sin that sometimes I felt like that’s all I knew. I felt like I would never be worthy enough for this trip.
The next morning I told myself, that if I was open with everyone I met about my past events, struggles and feelings then they would be able to tell me if I was unworthy to be here.
But surprise no one every told me that, actually the exact opposite.
Training camp is a place where they want you to be open and honest with your squad. At first I felt as if I was being forced to be open with everyone, but soon being vulnerable almost became easier. I found people that had the same struggles as me, and some people that could not relate at all but no matter who I was talking to however, they never told me I was unworthy, they would compliment me for my strength and for finding God in those times and that surprised me. Did someone really think a sinner like me had strength?
I continued to be stubborn however, I wanted to take the easy way out, give up on the World Race and just go home. Then on of my squad members came up to me during worship and said that she wanted to tell me something she thinks God wants me to hear. She told me that she saw me in a cage and that God wants me to break free from that. WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN?!
But I was in a cage, a cage called my comfort zone, a cage of my self doubt. That day she told me that I started praying that God would tell me how to break away from that cage, to give myself completely to Him, I wanted that. I spent more time in conversation with God in those 10 days then the months prior to training camp.
A couple days later two of your sessions were talking about hearing God’s voice, and those made me feel like I took ten steps back into feeling unworthy again because I wasn’t hearing God’s voice in a way others were. What was wrong with me?, I kept asking. Then the speaker said anyone having pain on the right side of their body or just need prayers come up to the stage, and I just fell a few day prior during an intense game of capture the flag and needed prayers so I did something normally I never would do, I went up to the stage.
Now picture this, me, my awkward self standing on a stage with the spot lights on me, granted I wasn’t the only person on stage but I felt like I was. Right when I got up there I instantly regretted it, I started twiddling my fingers out of a nervous habit, and just was begging for this to be over. Like would anyone really notice if I got down off the stage and just walked back to my seat? The speaker then asked if anyone felt called to pray for anyone on stage just to come up, place their hands on the person and pray for them. So I waited.
And people actually did come up to pray for me, one person being from my squad but another girl from a different squad I never met, she didn’t know me but she felt called to pray for me. When she prayed for me, she said that God wants me to know that I am worthy to be here, and that I am breaking out of my cage. WHAT?! Now that was God if I do say so myself. It was so cool! She didn’t know I was struggling with the feeling of being unworthy and she also didn’t know that perviously during the week someone already told me I need to break out of a cage. I cannot even explain how that simple prayer by some random girl made me realize just how much I was worthy enough to be here, and how awesome God is.
Then I found this verse:
“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10
I hope my story will change someones life, for my life has been far from perfect, I’ve struggled, I’ve sinned, Ill continue to struggle but for when I am weak, then I am strong.
So goodbye cage, and hello Jesus Christ!
