It’s coming to the end of month three and this is my first blog on the field. God has taught me so much these past couple month but it has all been to hard to even put into words. I was sitting in the middle of a Transinistrian prayer service the other night praying and asking God to show me something. My mind started wondering and I started to reflect on my World Race journey thus far. I began to tear up as I reflected on all that the Lord had taught me and all the things that I was feeling in that moment. I wanted to run over to one of my team members and just spill my guts out about how this experience has been nothing like I expected and how much I was struggling with trusting God. They say don’t have any expectations coming into the race and man are they right. They will soon all get crushed and then the real WorldRace, your real World Race, will begin to sink in and it is overwhelming. It will be nothing like you imagined and you may even be disappointed.
So, I was sitting there questioning everything. Why God even brought me to the Race. Wanting to run and spill my guts to anyone willing to lessen the mess that was going on inside my head. Instead, I decided to talk everything out with God, and it was good. It was one of those moments were I deeply knew that turning to anyone else but him would have been worthless. There was nothing anyone could say that would have been helpful in that moment. I needed to work this out with the Lord. It was a long awaited conversation that me and God needed to have.
I heard him say to me, “If you really trust that I have all this under my control then why do you continue to worry and question me?” It made me think, do I really trust God and believe that He has me here for a reason? Even if it means that I might have to continue pulling weeds for the rest of the race. I needed an attitude check and I needed it bad. Ministry has been challenging these past three month and I am not going to lie and tell you that the Race has been amazing. It’s been some of the most challenging months of my life. Thankfully, our emotions don’t define our relationship with The Lord, but they are part of our relationship with Him.
Looking back, maybe I have keep silent during this time because he wanted me to himself. To teach me these things and let me have time to reflect on them. I didn’t need to let it all out to people on my team, or write a blog about it. I needed to go to the Lord and talk with him. The thought of having to write a blog has been daunting and every time I started to write I would end up with nothing or deleting all that I wrote. Looking back I know He just wanted me for Himself, to learn the things that I have.
It has been a kind of disheartening season of my life, somewhat lonely at times. It can be very weird to be in an atmosphere where you are surrounded by people but you feel alone. It is hard to communicate that with someone without sounding like a weirdo, but at times its been my reality. That sometimes in ministry you dont have it all together, but somewhere along the way I had begun to believe the lie that people expect you to have it all together. When in reality I have recently discovered, people relate to your messiness, not your perfection. So its time share what the Lord has been doing and what I have learned. With my teammates and with people around the world.
As I was praying the word silent struck a chord and I realized that maybe that’s the season that I have been in and thats the season where God wanted me. A quiet season. Me and Jesus. And you know what? I have become okay with that reality. Maybe ministry hasn’t been my favorite or maybe I haven’t connected with my team as much as I would have liked to, but I wouldn’t take back these three months for anything. The lessons that God has taught me along the way have been life changing. Maybe He just wanted me to himself. While our temptation is to flee the season that we loathe, but God knows its exactly what we need in that moment.
But over and over again we are told to pour out our hearts to God, for He is our refuge, not man. Somewhere along the way I’ve adopted this idea that as I’m waiting on God, I feel that sharing my heart to others will fix it; that in striving for someone to just hear me, all will be well, but it’s resting in the shadow of the almighty. In quietly whispering to Him my innermost thoughts that I have learned that that is when he renews me.
Maybe my most profound seasons of the Race won’t be the months were ministry is great, but looking back it will be the ones where it was just me and Jesus, because those are the seasons He is doing a new work in me. Those will be the intimate months no one can take away. It’s in these past couple months that I couldn’t explain to someone if I tried. Though at times I am sure I may have seemed detached from my teammates or from people back home, I have been more attached to my Creator that ever before, and there can be so much Joy found in that.
If there is one thing I can say that the Lord has continue to teach me since being on the Race, it is to calmly trust Him. He has a great plan for these next eight months. It might not look anything like what I pictured or what I want but it will always be exactly what I need.
Psalm 62: 1-2,5-8
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