My hands are sweaty. How can someone be so vulnerable? How do I do this? This is the story of my life but it isn’t the pretty version. It is not the version that I want people to see as mine. It’s not all full of love and joy. Rather its filled with pain but followed by healing. It is filled with anger but followed by peace. It’s the raw story of my life, the one that I like to keep hidden. But I here I go.
I am not who you think I am. I have been so lost and so confused. How did I get here? Laying in bed as the seconds turn to minutes and minutes turn to hours I keep asking myself this question. My life was fine a few years ago. How did I get here? How do I get back? Can I even get back? I’m broken and I’m weak. Where do I even start? There is no way that God is going to want me back now. Does he even know all of the things I’ve done? I don’t even like myself so why would he love me? These questions run though my mind on a daily basis.
“Just do it Taylor. No one is going to care if you’re gone anyways.” “Look at all of these awful things you have done. Getting drunk on the weekends, sex before marriage what makes you think God is going to want you back anyways?” I’m sitting behind the wheel ready to drive off the bridge listening to these lies. “God, are you there??” My heart pounding as thoughts go racing though my head, my life is a mess. “God can you hear me?” “Where are you? Just say something!” I keep driving down the road not sure of what to do. As my hands are clenched to the steering wheel I hear this quiet and calming voice say, “Stay with me. I love you please stay.” This was when I started to realize that my suicidal thoughts where really becoming a problem. I wanted to say something to someone but how do you tell someone that you constantly think about taking your life?
Satan got ahold of my life very quickly. His lies where cutting deep into my life. It’s so easy to listen to his temptation. But little did I know the impact he would have on my life. My “I’ll only do this once.” Quickly would turn into “Well I mean what’s one more time?” But every time I would draw further and further away from the Lord. My seeking the Lord turned into hiding from the Lord. I never thought it would cause me to almost take my life to really realize where my life was heading. What am I doing with my life? This isn’t the person I want to be. So I began searching for something. I wanted to feel happy again. Little did I know God was pleading for me to come back to Him.
Some months pass and I began to really seek the Lord with all I had. My life had crumbled before me. But the Lord was there picking up the pieces and putting me back together. For the first time in months I was starting to feel like I could breath again. God was speaking life and love to me. Telling me all of the things he saw that where beautiful. Showing me that my past mistakes weren’t things that defined me but would shape me into who he want’s me to be. The lies that I had believed for so long where slowly fading and the truths about my life where coming into the Light. God was working in my life building me up for something that he had in mind that I had ne clue about.
God knew my life better than I ever did. He knew where I was going to be months before I even knew it. He was preparing me for something much bigger than I could ever imagine. I never thought it would be something like leaving for 11 months to 11 different countries. But God knew. He knew even before World Race even existed. He knew where I was going to be when I turned 22. I never imagined I would be teaching life skills classes in one of the slums of Africa celebrating my 22nd Birthday but of course He did. Looking back at my life I never thought the Lord would use me to be a Missionary. I have a past so He couldn’t use someone like me to do his work. Right? Wrong. God never used the “perfect” people to do his work. He used Fishermen and Prostitutes to do his work, to lead people closer to him. He used the broken and hurting people because they saw the need for Christ in their lives and the want for them to share his abundant Love with everyone. God has called me to the World Race for a reason. He has called me to South Africa for a reason. He has called me to Botswana for a reason. He has called me to these 11 countries for a reason. Maybe it’s as simple as bringing a little joy into peoples lives or as far as leading people to Christ I am not sure. But here I am in South Africa getting ready to leave for Botswana in a little over a week eagerly seeking God and his plans he has for me.
World Race is just a single chapter of my life. I know that God has called me to build his kingdom even after this Journey. He has showed me love even in my darkest moments and he has showed me love in my happy moments. God is always calling me to seek him more, to follow after his heart. My life has been a crazy journey but I know that God can and will use the years I walked away for his Glory. I believe that all things work together for his Good. So I walk by faith believing and trusting the Lord with all I’ve have. Because he has taken me with my mistakes and still loves me more than I can ever comprehend.
