“It was a two-day travel day from Madagascar to Malaysia and I was absolutely exhausted. I stumbled my way through security and made my way up to the booth to get my passport checked. The security guard looked at my passport, then looked at me and said, “this doesn’t even look like you!” then laughed and handed me my passport back.
He had a point. I had short hair and no glasses in that picture, and the girl standing in front of him had a wild mess of hair thrown up on her head, bags under her eyes, and glasses that no longer fit her face because Africa really slimmed her down. I walked away laughing at how different I look now, but a few hours later I had a thought.
I hope everyone says that to me when I get home. I hope people don’t recognize me. But it isn’t my outer appearance that I want to change, but my inner appearance. I want my heart and my soul to be unrecognizable. I pray for a drastic change, and I believe God has already started that transformation.
When I get home, I no longer want to be the insecure, dependent, anxious girl I was before I left for the race. I don’t want to be the girl with the questionable faith. I want to be completely transformed.”
This was an unfinished blog I’ve had saved on my laptop for a while. This is still a desire I have, but now I’m sure that it has happened. I’m no saint. I mess up daily. But I know I am not the girl I used to be.
Anxiety no longer rules my life. I don’t have to avoid big crowds. I don’t have anxiety attacks that cause me to hide in a room by myself. I don’t have to take a pill to sleep. That was me before the race, and me for the first few months on the field. It’s not me anymore.
I know who God is. I know who Jesus is. I know who the Holy Spirit is. I know the different characteristics they each posses. I’m learning to distinguish between their voices and their techniques of talking to me. I bring my problems to God before I bring them to others. I talk to Jesus every night before falling asleep, asking him to lay down with me and protect my sleep. I ask the Holy Spirit to fill me each day and show me who to talk to and what to say.
This might sound like I’m bragging. It might sound like I am taking claim over the changes that have happened in me over the last ten months. Please hear me. IT WAS NOT ME. I know this wasn’t me. If it was, I would have been able to do it before the race. It was one hundred percent God. He just used the race as a platform for it to happen. He did all of this work in me, and trust me, He’s got plenty more to do. My point in sharing all of this with you is this; I’m different from who I was before I left America and it is all thanks to God. He has done good work in me, and he wants to do it in you too. I’m hardheaded and stubborn. It took leaving the country for him to get through to me. Maybe it isn’t that hard for you. Maybe he has already been whispering to you the changes he wants to make.
My encouragement for you sweet friend is simple. Let him. Let him prune you. Let him wipe away the ugly and replace it with something beautiful. Yeah, it hurts. Change is never easy. Growth is not always fun. It can hurt. But the end…. Oh man. I wouldn’t change it for anything. There were some hard painful lessons he had to teach me, and I know he has plenty more in store. However, if I can wake up today a little bit closer to the person God created me to be, then I think it’s worth it.
