Thursday night I packed up some clothes, grabbed my dog, a few books, and my Bible, and drove two hours to the place that I knew would give me rest. The devil had been pursuing me, and I felt like I was at my breaking point.
He hit me where it hurt. He started with the World Race. He planted fear into my heart. He placed doubts in my head. He told me I wasn’t good enough or brave enough for this trip. He told me that I was running from home, and couldn’t do this. That I wasn’t the one who should be leaving for eleven months. He told me I would bring more harm than good. Since I found out in February that I had been accepted, I hadn’t felt fear. I knew I was following God’s call for my life. But this week I was plagued with doubt.
Then, he attacked my heart. Over the past few years, I have been struggling with self worth. Over the last week, the idea that I am unlovable, resurfaced. I began wondering if something was wrong with me. I wondered why I wasn’t enough.
So, I left for the lake house. My PawPaw, my great-grandfather, had it built for a gathering place for our family. It holds some of the best memories from my childhood. And now, it is where God sent my soul to rest. Over the past few days, I have had a lot of time to think, and to listen.
Did God punish me for letting the devil scare me? No, He didn’t. He grabbed my hand, and whispered the truth to me. He told me I don’t have to be good enough, because He is. He told me my bravery doesn’t come from myself, but from Him. He reminded me of Joshua 1:9, ” Have I not commanded you, be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” He reminded me I can’t save this world, but He can. He told me that I am not running from home, but running to Him. He gently answered every fear.
Then, God reminded me of my self worth. He is the God that created the moon and the stars. The God that created every creature, every beating heart, the waves, the winds, and me. To think that I am unlovable, or undeserving, is to say His creation was less than perfect. In my own way, I am perfect. Even with the mistakes, the things I wish I could take back, the things that hurt to much to think about, I am still deserving of love.
So why did I share this? Because I want better for you. Because I don’t want anyone to ever let the devil get a hold of their heart. Because I want to see you living fully and unashamed in the love of the Creator. Is it comfortable to share my deepest fears on the internet for everyone to see? No, but Christianity isn’t comfortable. It is messy. It is uncomfortable. It is hard. God doesn’t call us to live an easy life. He even told us that if we followed him, we could be hated for it. But through the mess, through the uncomfortable moments, through the hard conversations, we are completely covered in his grace.
My sweet friends, do that scary thing God is calling you to do. Don’t let the devil steal from you the sweet feeling of obedience. Remember that everything you aren’t, God is. And please, always remember that someone loved you so much, that he sent his only Son to be mocked, beaten, and die a death that we all deserved. You are loved by the Creator of the world, and that is something the devil can never take from you.
