Wednesday night was a night like all of the others. We had ministry that day, and that night we had team time. We played games for hours and just spent quality time together. It was by far one of my favorite nights here. Around ten that night, we started to put our tents up and get ready for bed. Hannah and I sleep in a different room than everyone else, so it was just the two of us when we heard the screaming. We looked at each other, and thought maybe it was just the goats outside making a weird noise. We kept getting ready for bed, but the noises were getting louder and louder. At some point, one of our squad leaders, Ari, came in the room to sleep with Hannah. I looked at her, and could tell something was wrong. We both agreed it wasn’t a goat.
I gathered the girls, and we sat in the room and prayed out loud. The fear that had filled me was beginning to go away, and the screaming stopped. We all went back to bed, and Ari told us to wake her up if we get scared. At two in the morning, Hannah and I wake up to more screams. We sat up and tried to pray, but fear filled the room. The screaming was louder and sounded even closer. We went and woke Ari up, and she came in the room to pray, but even she agreed that the room felt heavy. We went into the back room, turned on worship music, and began praying. But the fear I felt was taking over my whole body. I couldn’t focus on prayer. I started wondering if the darkness could hurt me, if I really was in a commited relationship with the Lord. I was doubting myself, and Him.
And then I heard God speak.
“Tell them, Taylor” he said.
I tried to play it off in my head like that wasn’t God, but just my own thought. But He kept pushing me. So finally, I blurted it out.
“I believe in God, I know he is real, but sometimes I am afraid when I get to heaven He will say He doesn’t know me.”
I kept going.
“I live my life in a lot of fear and anxiety. I live my life in the past. I don’t let myself heal.”
When I finally looked up, Ari and Hannah were just smiling at me. Ari prayed over me, and asked me if I believed God was real, if he sent Jesus to die for my sins, if I wanted a relationship with him. Through a little bit of tears, I choked out that I did believe that.
So, yesterday, I was baptized by Ari in the Indian Ocean. On one side of me, some dark spiritual ritual was being performed and on the other side some people were praying to a false god. But God led me straight through the middle, and right into the water. I didn’t feel fear when I saw the girls body convulsing and rolling into the ocean.
My heart was too full. For the longest time, my heart had been closed off. I had a hard time feeling certain emotions, and couldn’t really let people in. But thats gone. The love of our Father is overflowing in me. I’m not afraid of the night. The screams come every night at ten, two, and five, and every night it wakes me up. But I don’t feel fear. The darkness can’t hurt me, because God won that war a long time ago.
I’ve learned that the Lord will pursue you in ways you never imagined possible. I never thought God would use a witch doctor to show me my relationship with him isnt where it should be. But that’s exactly what he did. I never thought I would be baptized in the Indian ocean, but that’s what He had planned all along. I never thought I would be able to die to myself, and the pain that has filled my heart for so long, but He healed me. I know there will be days where fear creeps in. I know there will be days my anxiety gets the best of me. I know there will be days I feel underserving of love. But on these days, I know the Lord will continue to walk beside me.
