I was stuck in the pit of self-victimization. I sat willingly in lies, I was denying the real, raw truth that I had been ignoring all my life. The truth that says I have never fully understood grace. In my head my actions were the subconscious reason for acceptance, and grace was just a bonus.
As I let the light in, I began to understand the vulnerability of my heart and welcomed the grace I had worked for in vain. I was convicted with the realization that my denial of grace and desire for already-gifted acceptance discredited the cross. I took away His gift, and denied the cross as worthy to reconcile myself to the Father. I distorted grace until it fit correctly in my human-sized brain, until I was justified the way I saw fit. It was in Brennan Manning’s words where I realized the truth.
“God is asking me, the unworthy, to forget my unworthiness and that of my brothers, and dare to advance in the love which has redeemed and renewed us all in God’s likeness. And to laugh, after all, at the preposterous ideas of ‘worthiness.'”
Here I understood the truth of acceptance, the reality of God’s love for me and choice of me, and the worth those two actions together give me. Still I struggled to believe. I fought with everything in me to give up the struggle, to sit and rest in the arms of acceptance. To stop moving and working and fighting for approval. I had to fight to sit still. And in the stillness the Lord uttered to me the most beautiful, gentle, and humbling words of all. The light gave way to color and He told me that I am purple.
Purple. A color I have avoided and set aside specifically for Jesus. The color I refrain from painting with because it has never belonged to me, the color of royalty and worthiness and all things pertaining to value. He called me purple, and I began to weep. I wept at the forgiveness of my denial of grace. I wept because my stubborn walls of incapability were finally broken down, I wept for the days of disgrace I gave to the cross. I wept because I was accepted, and I didn’t deserve it. Jesus reminded me of our oneness, he told me of my place with him. He is not an earthquake of fury waiting to impart his wrath on me when I fail. He is a friend, walking beside me, taking me places with him. Where He is, I am. And if he is purple, then I am purple. If Jesus is worthy of all praise, then I am worthy of all love. If Jesus is justice, then I am justified. If Jesus is beauty, then I am beautiful. If Jesus is acceptance, then I am accepted.
In the midst of this acceptance, the Lord reminded me of his heartbeat. I was painting with Gap J Squad in Livingstone, Zambia a few days back, and began to paint the color purple. Soon purple turned to pink, pink turned to red, red turned to orange, orange to yellow, and finally the classic rainbow was interrupted by blue. I was confused and irritated at the imbalance of the colors. But I decide to pray about what The Lord was speaking anyways. He directed me towards color symbolism, and revealed to me the continuous circle of what it means to operate in my acceptance.
So from the acceptance (purple) of the Father, we understand love (pink). Out of the overflow of love received, a passion (red) to share it is ignited. With a passion to share there is a call to action (orange), a need for service. Out of the service of others that reflects the love and acceptance of the Father, comes uncontainable joy (yellow). Out of this joy, there is unexpelainable freedom (blue) in the spirit.
As Manning writes, “The engaged mind, illuminated by truth, awakens awareness; the engaged heart, affected by love, awakens passion.”
So acceptance, after all, is the root of all things. It is the core of our identity, the reason for our every breath. It is the humble reality that puts our works to shame in the light of grace. It reminds us of our futility, while simultaneously giving us purpose. Purple. A name I now choose to walk boldly in as I sit and rest in the truth of who the Father says I am.
