This is a lot harder to type then I expected it to be, being emotionally vulnerable is something that terrifies me. This is my THIRD time trying to write this.
I had given up; I knew deep in my heart that God wanted me. But I wasn’t so sure that He could love me despite my past. I trust Him with my future, but not my past. In previous blogs I have been talking about needing to walk away and give him the baggage. Well facing the baggage and actually giving it up is much easier said then done. God has been working, slowly nudging me to open up, but not having to let go… yet.
It all became clear, well eventually becoming more and more clear.
My memory began to fail me, I was struggling to remember what I was talking about mid sentence. I would not be able to tell you what I had done the previous days, only being able to tell you basic details. I had distanced myself from everyone, going further into my shell. I was overloaded, my brain was not sure what to remember and what to block that it began to do this.
God had been pouring so many opportunities and so many blessings to my life. I should have been so excited – like all the time. Instead, I would only be excited for a moment – then nothing. No feelings, just existing. I was and still am so grateful for what he does for me even when I am not being a good sheep. I had not been deep in conversation to Him, only short prayers, and not spending much time in the word.
I had been driving when the song Mess is Mine by Vance Joy had come on. I got the Holy Spirit chills, the second the song began. This was the conversation that I needed with him (bolded is God, italicized is me).
Talking like we used to do
It was always me and you
Shaping up and shipping out
Check me in and check me out
Do you like walking in the rain?
When you think of love, do you think of pain?
You can tell me what you see
I will choose what I believe
Hold on, darling
This body is yours,
This body is yours and mine
Well hold on, my darling
This mess was yours,
Now your mess is mine
Your mess is mine
See you in the marketplace
Walking ’round at 8am
Got 2 hours before my flight
Luck be on my side tonight
You’re the reason that I feel so strong
The reason that I’m hanging on
You know you gave me all the time
Oh, did I give enough of mine?
Hold on, darling
This body is yours,
This body is yours and mine
Well hold on, my darling
This mess was yours,
Now your mess is mine
I wasn’t sure where to go with it, I couldn’t stop listening to that song for over a week and a half before it all had clicked – simply standing in my kitchen in silence.
I had been emotionally shut down since the end of October. What happened in October? From October 29th to the beginning of the New Year, a downhill spiral happened. I had experienced so much loss that I did not know how to process the emotions, so I simply shut them out and kept moving with a smile on my face. I found out Adam, man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had been seeing someone else for a little while. We buried Great Aunt Ruth earlier that same day, almost lost my grandfather the week before thanksgiving, my cousin Bobbie passed away few days before Thanksgiving, my second cousin Julio a few weeks after, and then a week before Christmas my best friends dad was in a terrible accident passed away almost two weeks later. Everything was unexpected and tragic.
Thankfully things slowly began to click in the last month. I had to accept that I still deeply loved someone who shattered my heart. I did not want to admit that I still cared about him. I had to accept that emotionally I was a wreck. That I have to deal with everything that happened in Dayton – because boy, there was a lot to sort through. The only place that I knew where to start was acknowledging that the love I had was still there, and I had emotions. That began to crack the dam on my emotions. That crack wasn’t enough to break the dam.
On April 19th I had the pleasure of taking my boss up to Ann Arbor Michigan to see Amy Grant, Matt Maher, Sanctus Real, Ike Ndolo, and Jon Guerra. God knew months ago when I agreed to take her to this concert that I would need healing. While there I was flooded with memories of things Adam and I had done there, conversations we had, and the feelings I had while there. I was sad, I missed him, instead of sending him a text I texted my friend Robbie telling him that I wanted to talk to my ex. He quickly replies with “What would you say to him?” and “Would his response meet your expectations?” I knew in that moment that what I would say to him would be pointless. Even if his response would meet my expectations that it would be him trying to be kind and would be far from the truth, if he was honest I would allow him to make me feel worse all over again. I refused to let him steal the joy from me anymore.
I dropped her off at the concert doors, parked the van, and sat. I didn’t want to go in, I had to have sat in that car trying to coax myself into going in for at least 15 minutes. I didn’t realize until I had walked in that we had front row seats, almost in the middle. Crap. I couldn’t be checked out, or on my phone. I had to be present. God is a sneaky, sneaky guy. Boy, did the opening artist Jon Guerra and his wife awaken my soul that night, just through two songs. But so did the rest of the artists. They talked so deeply and passionately about Gods forgiveness. How you just have to as for it and it is yours.
It clicked, Gods forgiveness had clicked. THANK THE LORD! A weight was lifted, I began to ask God for forgiveness for all the things I have done wrong to others and myself.
I let go a little bit that day.
My emotional dam cracked even more that day. Every day following it cracked a little more, that was until I had an unexpected talk with my friend Taylor. Then my dam had become a slow to moderate stream of water pouring out. I had told bits and pieces to him about my time in Dayton. He began to ask me questions about Dayton, I normally filter them and am too afraid to tell in detail what happened. I began to tell him in detail about what happened. Halfway through our conversation I stopped and said “I have no idea why I don’t have a filter on what I am telling you”. I began to tell him how I met my sons father, how I became surrounded by negative entities, the manic episodes of my sons father, the abuse, the pain, being more concerned about everyone else’s safety, to being unsure if anyone else or I would survive through the night. It took a year and a half from the last time I saw him to not be afraid anymore. I opened up about something I thought I locked in a room, threw away the key, built a brick wall around it, and destroyed.
God is not asking me to give up everything to him all at once. Just do not be fearful, he has this all under control. He will answer your prayers in unexpected ways.
It is all about the baby steps.
