So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
1 Corinthians 12:7-10 (ESV)
Fall in Georgia is my favorite time of the year. The leaves turn different shades of yellow, red and brown and as they slowly fall from the trees the wind lifts them up again in rainbow funnels. The air turns crisp and the stars shine brighter and driving down the road with the windows down just feels right.
It was on one of those beautiful autumn days yesterday that Edwin turned to me from my passenger seat and asked, “Did you have any expectations going into training camp?”
“Well, no. Not really” I told him. “There was so little information I just didn’t really know what to think. I do know that any expectations I could have had would have been blown out of the water”.
Thinking about it now that my last two squad mates have left, I guess I did unconsciously have expectations.
I expected to meet 50 strangers and to feel seriously awkward.
I met 50 strangers, felt really awkward, and realized that I had just been adopted into a family so perfect and unique it could only be hand crafted by God. A-squad is made up of a group of seriously messed up and scarred people. We are flawed and make mistakes. Because of the mistakes we have made, though, the grace and mercy that has been showered on us by our Father means everything. What we have ended up with are a bunch of twenty-somethings radically passionate about feeding the hungry, healing the sick, breaking chains and setting the captives free.
I expected I would share a translator-friendly but thankfully void of the gory details version of my testimony and call it a day on talking about Taylor.
I ended up experiencing the God of the universe smashing through the walls I have so carefully constructed. I ended up a crying, snotty mess in front of 50 people. I ended up expressing my doubts and fears and insecurities. I ended up wrapped in a 50 person embrace and covered by prayer and truth. I ended up accepted, loved, and wanted.
I expected I would be tired.
Camping in the freezing cold for 7 days is physically tiring, definitely. However, the more shocking exhaustion I experienced was the one that ran soul-deep. I discovered I have been tired for a long time: tired of being closed off. Tired of never expressing my doubts so that others can remind me of how God sees me. Tired of allowing the enemy to suppress the Taylor that God has set free. Tired of ending every moment of healing with “I promise I’m not a crier”. I may not be the first one reduced to tears on a normal basis, but when your heart and mind are tired of the life you have been living on the inside, tears can be cathartic. Yes, I Taylor Shea Blankstein, am admitting that sometimes it is necessary to have a good ole cry.
I expected to be on a team with guys, because God would never be so cruel as to put me on an all girls team…right?
This is where the real beauty of training camp was revealed to me: it is not about what I think I know about myself and what I think I know is best for me. The World Race is not about Taylor being good and wanting to share that goodness and help people’s physical needs. It is about Jesus, and the fact that He deserves to be talked about. The day I was told I would be on an all girls team I was upset. I cried…again. I did not understand. That night during worship one of my favorite songs in the world was played, and I was reminded of what I have been asking God to do in my life since the first time I heard it. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior. He whispered, “Taylor I want you to trust me. I want you to be set free from the hurt that you have experienced because of women in your past. If you give your whole heart to this, you will be amazed at what I will do through you”.
Meet the Joy Bombs!
So yes, I had some expectations going into training camp. What I learned, though, is that God loves showing me that He is doing so much more in me than my silly human mind could ever imagine.
Sometimes the hardest lessons we need to learn are the ones that will set us free.
Sometimes the biggest steps of faith are the ones that will bring us to a place of real freedom.
Sometimes you just have to let go of what you think you know about yourself, because God knows what you are capable of. You will always sell yourself short if you are the one calling the shots.
So let go today. Let Him do a new thing in you, and see how the ripple effect results in miracles and freedom. Let Him be enough, and He will show you what that looks like through His eyes. Let Him draw out the best parts of you, and stand amazed at how the kingdom of God will be glorified through your surrender.
