|| I don’t want to ride on somebody else’s passion.
I don’t want to find that I am just dry bones.
I want to burn with unquenchable fire, deep down inside see it coming alive. ||
I spend ten hours a day with kids who live on the street or in terrible family situations. They kick, bite, scream and make me want to pull my hair out in frustration. There have been so many times when I’ve come to the end of my patience and wondered what on earth I’m doing here in Cambodia with these crazy kids.
|| Help me find my own flame. ||
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t sweating. I can’t seem to get the hang of hand washing my clothes. I’ve gained 15 pounds over the past seven months. I’m so physically uncomfortable all the time I want to come out of my skin, and I wonder what on earth I’m doing in Southeast Asia sleeping in a tent every night.
|| Help me find my own fire. ||
I don’t always understand my team. I rarely understand God’s plan in putting us together and having me lead them. I struggle with a deeply rooted disappointment in myself and it transfers into a disappointment in the people around me. I just want to be alone for days and days to recover from the never ending flow of people surrounding me, and I wonder what the heck I’m doing on the World Race with people I would have never met in any other arena.
|| I want the real thing. ||
Cambodia, month seven of my World Race journey, has been slowly making me lose my mind. It is by far the most difficult month I’ve experienced. However, I will look back on my time here as a month where I saw God move.
|| I want Your burning desire. ||
God has used this month to spark something within me, and it’s catching. About my body, he says get over it. About my discomfort, he says stop dwelling on something you signed up for. About these kids, he says remember where they came from and hug them harder. About my team, he says they are a gift from me, so woo them. About this race, he says this is MY plan for you, this is MY will for you, this is MY gift to you, so stop looking at it through the perspective of your flesh.
|| Do what only You can do in my heart tonight. ||
A few days ago, my Mema prophesied this over me: “endurance will produce big faith in you. Your flesh is being stripped away. Your spirit is taking over. You will never be the same after this journey.”
|| There’s no better time. ||
Big faith. The kind that is rooted and established in love. The kind that finds it’s foundation built on rock. The kind that moves mountains. The kind that brings healing. The kind that is yoked to the One who’s burden is light. Big faith is being harvested in me, flooding my spirit and overcoming my flesh.
It’s been said that this point in the Race is called the “seventh month slump”, and oh what a doosey it is.
I don’t want to lean on my own understanding anymore. I don’t want to let circumstances sap me of energy. I don’t want to stop fighting, roll over and let this last phase of the journey pass me by. Because once this journey ends, the next one begins and they’re all linked together to form the chain of events that is my life. There is no getting through. There is no getting out. It’s all connected and essential.
So, yeah, it’s been a struggle. Struggle bussing, struggle city, the strug. Whatever you want to call it. It’s been hard enough to make me question a lot of things about myself and about the relationship I have with The Lord.
But there is a light shining in the dawn. There is a rainbow of colors stretched across the horizon. There is a river flowing that’s bringing hope and peace and the will to endure.
There’s something rising up in me that looks a lot less like Taylor and a lot more like Jesus. It’s messy but it’s overwhelmingly full of promise and grace. There’s this desire stirring. It wants more of the Spirit of the God of Angel Armies. It wants to boldly proclaim healing and love and repentance over the land my feet touch and the people my eyes meet.
All that’s within me is dying to shout out.
So I’m shouting out, and I’m inviting you to lift your voice to the heavens with me and see how the world around us changes as God responds.
|| Help me find my own flame.
Help me find my own fire.
I want the real thing.
I want Your burning desire.
Do what only You can do in my heart tonight.
There’s no better time.
There’s no better time. ||
